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“In the middle of difficulty
lies opportunity.”
Your situation may be unique, but it’s not hopeless.
We specialize in those tough, crisis “seemingly impossible” situations.
There IS a solution. Together we can formulate a plan to restore sanity to your life — saving you and your family time, money, stress and unnecessary heartache.
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. . . but it doesn’t have to be the end of the road.
Is Relapse Part of Recovery?
Addiction has been called a chronic relapsing disease. Relapse is when the person in recovery chooses to try some controlled using again after attempting to remain abstinent. We know that addicts/alcoholics can’t control substance use. If they could, they wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place. Relapse is one more failed attempt at trying to control how much they are able to use.
Using a substance occasionally and in moderation isn’t a problem for social drinkers. But once someone crosses over to habitual and uncontrolled use, there is no going back. Attempts to regain control—to use alcohol or drugs socially and occasionally—are common, and these attempts lead to relapses. Statistics show that approximately 90 per- cent of those who complete treatment will have a relapse—sometimes referred to as a slip.
Five months after leaving treatment in April, I tried just one more time to see if I could control my using. I went out with an old friend and drank.
I don’t remember if I called Gary or he called me. Gary and I used to take drugs together. He was a good friend. We had known each other since high school. He knew I had quit, but he didn’t know much about recovery. We hadn’t seen each other for months, since before I had gone to the treatment center. We went out to a bar. I don’t think I had any intention of drinking. After an hour or two of playing pool and being in the midst of a crowd of people who were drinking, I ordered a beer. To this day, I don’t know what I was thinking. After five or six beers, I knew I had screwed up.
I wasn’t nearly as wasted as I wanted to be. What now? Be- cause of everything I had heard in recovery groups, I now felt a tremendous sense of guilt. Why did I let this happen? Looking back on it, I can see that it was a chain of events. Talking with Gary, meet- ing him at a bar, staying and playing pool—all the sights, sounds and smells were too much for me in the beginning of my sobriety. A bad idea. Those few drinks did not give me the effect I craved. I realized that it was going to take much more than a few drinks. I didn’t want that old life back and it became obvious to me that I had to make an all or nothing choice.
It was just one night, but that one night motivated me to get right back to working on my recovery. This would fall into the category of a slip—one stupid decision that was brief and over quickly. I guess I just had to test the water one more time. What this experience did was confirm to me that my addiction was real. I felt like an idiot. I had just blown one hundred fifty days of sobriety, and I didn’t even enjoy it.
Having a few drinks had always been the start of trouble for me. I knew I had to come to my senses right away, or I would soon be look- ing for drugs as well. This small slip would end up as a complete return to full-blown using, or I could end it that night. By this time in my recovery, I had learned enough to know what was happening and what the consequences could be. I must have had a moment of clarity. No- body needed to tell me that I’d screwed up. Going back to the old life was the last thing I wanted.
I wasn’t sure what to do, so I decided to go back to my treatment center for a couple of days to sort this out.
I have heard similar stories from others who have relapsed. Many of them remember that exact, pivotal moment when they were faced with the decision of what to do. Here are the two different trains of thought that can occur to an addict after a relapse. I’ve blown it anyway, so I may as well keep using for a while. Or, This was a dumb idea. I’d better get right back to recovery before it gets much worse. Thankfully, the latter was my thinking.
Ways to Avoid Relapse
Developing relationships with others who are facing the same challenges are very important. A couple of close friends, a sponsor, a mentor—any one of these—can help hold a person accountable. I knew I had let some people down. But these same people were able to encourage me to keep moving forward.
One of the results of an addict spending time with people in recovery is that it will ruin their once seemingly gratifying relationship with alcohol and drug use. Those in recovery learn about the disease, and from that point on they know too much about its power to ever enjoy it the way they used to. They know that there’s no going back. If some- one slips, they often feel the way I did—like an idiot for even trying to enjoy it again. But this is all okay, as we all learn from mistakes like this. Family and friends shouldn’t get too discouraged when someone slips, because it’s common in early recovery. Look at it as one more opportunity for your loved one to become convinced that the addiction is indeed real.
My friend and addiction counselor Larry Weckbaugh in Eagle, CO compares recovery to a series of stairs—and landings in-between the flights. The addict might be up three flights and two landings when they relapse. They don’t fall into the basement; they only go down one floor.
Is there a difference between a slip and a relapse?
Sort of. The difference lies in how a person handles it. . .
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Does treatment have to cost a lot?
Addiction crosses all education level “from Yale to jail.” IQ has little to do with it. Some of the lucky ones recognize the problem early, swallow their pride, and seek help. The majority, though, are like me. By that I mean they have an attitude–an attitude that says, “No one is going to tell me what to do!” One person may need only a few counseling sessions. Another might need a few months in a residential setting. Many centers offer outpatient and intensive outpatient treatment as well as residential treatment.
Inpatient or residential treatment is one option, though it is the most expensive. Even at discounted rates many families cannot afford a 28- day program. However, this isn’t necessary for every drug-dependent person. In fact, more than half of all recovering people didn’t have the inpatient experience. As I make this point, please bear in mind that I’m not suggesting that inpatient treatment isn’t beneficial. It would be wonderful if this was available to everyone; but it’s not. There just aren’t enough facilities for the demand. Even if there were, many people can’t afford it.
Let’s talk about a few other ways to begin recovery. Determining which treatment is appropriate will depend on the drugs the addict has been using, how much, for how long, and his or her level of motivation. We will start with the simplest and work our way up.
Counseling
For those who experience intervention early, before the addiction has become severe, the recovery process might be less complicated. It may involve only a couple of counseling sessions with an addiction counselor and then committing to attend recovery group meetings. There will be some who commit to recovery sooner than others, and the sooner, the better. Some people are lucky enough to not have to hit a low bottom (see chapter 18).
Outpatient Treatment
For those with a moderate problem, outpatient treatment may be appropriate. This works well for the high-functioning addict/alcoholic. By high-functioning I mean the user still has a job and a home, pays his bills on time and is generally responsible, yet knows he has a real problem. Maybe a spouse or a friend has noticed his excessive drinking and mentioned something about it. If the dependent person is doing well on the job or in school and just can’t leave for a month, outpatient treatment may be the answer. This candidate would attend group meetings, typically in the evenings and maybe also see a counselor a few times a week.
Intensive Outpatient Treatment
The next level of treatment is what is called intensive outpatient treatment. This usually consists of two-hour group meetings three to five nights a week. A professional addiction counselor facilitates the meeting. Again, the advantage here is that the addict can continue going to school or work and return to his or her home at night. This is a long day, but is an ideal solution for some who need daily support to be successful in recovery. It also is much less expensive, than residential treatment because the treatment center does not have to provide housing and meals. This option usually lasts four to six weeks and tapers down to whatever is best for the individual.
Inpatient/Residential Treatment
For serious cases, inpatient or residential treatment may be the best option. Residential treatment is what worked for me. I believe it is exceptionally effective for several reasons. First, it pulls the patient completely out of their environment, removing them from their friends, who are usually other substance abusers. A family may also want to consider sending the user out of state to really move them to a different environment (at this point, we are talking about only a few hundred extra dollars for traveling expenses).
Inpatient treatment is very structured. The first few days are often referred to as detox, which means going through some physical withdrawal. This phase varies quite a bit from person to person. Believe me, this experience is not fun, but I made it through. The severity of a person’s detox experience depends on the drug or drugs a person has been using. I’ve heard a few people say it was no big deal at all. Others have described it as four or five days of living hell. There are some drugs available now that can help ease the discomfort of the first few days of withdrawal.
When I arrived at the treatment center in Atchison, Kansas, the intake person asked me about my drug use history. Along with everything else, I had been taking a high dose of Valium every day. I didn’t think it was going to be a big deal to give up. But stopping this drug all at once, after years of use, was a shock to my system. I had a couple of very difficult days. The feelings I had are not easy to describe. Along with the insomnia came some hallucinations. In some ways it was like having a nightmare while being awake. The rational part of my brain knew I needed to quit using, not just Valium, but everything else as well. But my body and part of my mind still wanted and needed that drug. There was a battle going on. A real fight. Had I tried to do this on my own, I seriously doubt that I would have stuck it out. Treatment centers want to move everyone through this stage as quickly as possible and get them involved in recovery work.
Most facilities post their regular schedule on their website. The lectures and groups that take place throughout the day shed light on every aspect of drug and alcohol dependency. The person learns in great detail what will happen (or has already happened) to them physically, mentally and spiritually. In addition to participating in groups, each person meets one-on- one with a professional counselor. Many facilities have a chaplain on staff. Few, if any, chaplains will get into debating religion or suggest that a person must adopt any certain belief-system. Regardless of this, people often come into treatment looking for answers to spiritual issues, and centers have found it beneficial to have a professional available to meet the spiritual needs of their patients.
I will always remember how meaningful it was to spend time during the evenings and weekends with others who shared the same struggles. There is a special bond among those who have been there. People are encouraged to take walks and to experience their feelings on a deeper level through journaling. Time allotted for reading, reflecting, prayer, and meditation are luxuries the addict did not have (and did not care about having) in his home environment. This experience can be a real turning point in a person’s life.
Specialized Treatment
Gender-specific (all-men or all-women) centers have recently be- come a great option. A patient who is in a gender-specific facility has the advantage of speaking more openly and gaining a more complete understanding from group members who share the same life experiences. There are certain issues that apply to men more than women, and vice-versa. When addiction issues are dealt with in a specifically male or female context, a very therapeutic and powerful camaraderie forms.
Men, for example, find it difficult to admit weakness and accept defeat. But if they are with a group of other men who have also had their lives destroyed by drug abuse, they are more likely to be humble and honest in a group setting. Having to admit to brokenness in a mixed group is much more difficult (it’s that whole macho thing). Even the reason men and women become users can be different. Men seem to take illicit drugs to get a high and as an adventure, whereas women take them more often to relieve stress and to self-medicate.
Women in treatment often have been taken advantage of by men, so they may be more likely to open up without men in the room. They are more sensitive to the social stigma of addiction, and therefore may have been more private about their substance use than men. Women also are more likely to be dealing with parenting issues. Lately, more and more inpatient treatment centers are opening their facilities to children so they can stay with their mothers for the duration of their treatment.
Depending on the severity of a person’s addiction, longer treatment can be more effective than a typical twenty-eight-day stay. Sixty-day and ninety-day treatments are becoming more common. Someone who was using large amounts of methamphetamine, cocaine, or heroin over a period of years may need ninety days of treatment. But regardless of the drug the person has been using, there can be varying reasons why extended treatment may be to their advantage. For example, some people will need more time to work on ways to resist drug use and develop replacements for drug-using activities. There are many factors to consider before a person leaves treatment; the center itself will make recommendations. I can’t think of any cases where a few extra weeks in treatment turned out to be a bad idea. There is a lot at stake here.
Cost of Treatment
In today’s unstable economy, the financial strain of recovery is a real issue for families. How much does treatment have to cost? Who pays? The average cost for a one-month program is about $20,000. Prices usually begin around $10,000 and go up to $40,000 or more. This is a lot of money seemingly out of reach for most families. But when you consider how much money the addict has blown on drug and alcohol use in the past, and how beneficial this treatment program will be, it may be well worth it.
There are ways to defray the cost of treatment. First of all, some employers are willing to help cover the cost; all you have to do is ask. Some insurance companies will cover the cost as well, so families need to find out what their insurance plan will and will not cover. However, many treatment facilities unfortunately do not accept insurance. Dealing with insurance companies is often a paperwork nightmare, and some centers do not have the staff to keep up with what it requires. Moreover, some insurance companies try to dictate just what type of treatment they will cover and for how long, and this may not fit with a treatment center’s philosophy or diagnosis. However, there are centers that do take insurance, and usually they will make all the phone calls concerning coverage and handle the details for you.
If the employer won’t help cover the cost of a treatment program, and the insurance plan doesn’t cover it or if it does but the treatment center won’t accept insurance money you should know that many facilities will take people for less than the standard fee–sometimes much less. Occasionally, patients are able to get ten to fifty percent off of the normal rate. Some centers will even let you make payments on a discounted price. In these cases, they are essentially loaning you the money in spite of credit history. How do you find out about these discounts? Ask. That’s right, simply ask if there is any way to get a reduced fee.
How are they able to charge less? There may be some scholarship money available, or sometimes a hospital or a graduate of the treatment program will help cover the cost. If a treatment center sees that a person is able to pay only a portion of the cost, and if it is obvious that the person is motivated to begin recovery, those at the center will be motivated to help as well. For people working in this field, drug treatment is both a business and a passion. A high percentage of counselors, staff and owners are also recovering people. For most, it’s not all about the money. Call around. Ask a lot of questions. You just might be surprised what you find out.
So far we’ve covered the more formal, structured treatment methods. So, what other forms of treatment or support are available?
Twelve-Step Programs
Probably the most obvious are the twelve-step programs. AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) and NA (Narcotics Anonymous) are literally everywhere, all the time, across the world, and they are free. Al-Anon is also available to the family member who needs support or information. These groups all have listed phone numbers and will give you information twenty-four hours a day.
Sadly, within the Christian Community there are some who see a conflict with The Twelve Steps (of AA and Al-Anon) and biblical principles. I’ve studied this at length and I have found none. For those who are followers of Christ, we can simply know that He is our Higher Power–our understanding of God.
As I mentioned earlier, many churches are now adding addiction counselors to their staff. Some churches even refer to themselves as Recovery Churches. Things are changing. An important point to keep in mind is that the addict or alcoholic must have daily support as they begin this road to recovery. In the beginning, a person in recovery is high-maintenance and needs daily support. This is why I believe that a twelve-step program must be part of early recovery. Are there rare exceptions to this? Yes. But remember how much is at stake. I personally know of many Christians who took advantage of what AA had to offer and are now glad they did.
Is AA or NA appropriate for everyone? This is a tough question. You can surely check it out for yourself. Discourage your friend or family member from making a judgment too quickly after visiting just one group. Each group has its own personality. Sometimes it takes visiting several to find a group that the addict will feel comfortable with. There are different meetings in all parts of town, including: men’s, women’s, open meetings (where a person doesn’t have to be an alcoholic to attend), and speaker meetings.
Some people in certain professional fields might not feel comfortable attending AA or NA meetings, even though the names of those attending, and the content of such meetings, are confidential. Why? Some people are very visible in their community. If a person is a doctor, dentist, police officer, city official, pastor, judge, lawyer, school-teacher, swim coach, school counselor, CEO, pharmacist, pilot, or bus driver, it might be very difficult to stay anonymous. Most people wouldn’t want to jeopardize their career to get support in such a potentially public manner. I wouldn’t want to meet my surgeon at an AA meeting! Some people may need to find a different resource, but more often than not, twelve-step groups are very beneficial.
Spin-offs of the traditional twelve-step groups include faith-based groups like Celebrate Recovery, Christians in Recovery and the Salvation Army. The Salvation Army also offers free in-patient recovery programs in some cities. There is help available for almost everyone. People that need recovery have choices, ranging from those that cost absolutely nothing to a multitude of deluxe high-priced options. Help is out there. Just ask.
Over the past two decades I’ve seen addicts and families recover from both mild and severe addiction problems. Sadly, there are others who give up the fight before they even get started. Finding a good support group or counselor doesn’t always happen overnight. Get referrals, talk to others who had similar problems, and be persistent. Determination always pays off.
“There is help available for almost everyone.
People that need recovery have choices.”
“We can’t afford treatment. What now?”
excerpted from revised edition (pg. 101) of
Why Don’t They Just Quit?
What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery.
(click on title above to purchase)
Tags: 12 step alanon, AA, addiction help, Al-Anon, Al-Anon groups, alanon, alanon online, alcohol addiction help, alcoholism, Chaplain Joe Herzanek, Christian recovery, drug addiction, drug use help, Joe Herzanek, substance abuse, the 10 Toughest Questions
HOW DO I SHOW MY LOVE WITHOUT ENABLING?
The 10 Toughest Questions Families and Friends Ask About Addiction and Recovery
“What family & friends need to know” about alcohol and substance abuse in the life of a loved-one.
View a short video preview of DVD
How can I tell . . . if a person is addicted or just a heavy user?
How do I confront this person?
How do I handle adolescent use and abuse?
How do I show my love without enabling?
Does treatment work?
We can’t afford treatment. What now?
How do I handle relapse? Will this ever stop?
What if they just can’t quit?
I’ve tried it all. Nothing is working. What now?
How do I get MY life back?
For more info visit Changing Lives Foundation
“Real Stories, Real People”
excerpted from revised edition (pg. 263) of
Why Don’t They Just Quit?
What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery.
Never give up hope.
I’ve been inspired over and over by the testimonies
of those who have lived through the nightmare of addiction and managed
to regain control of their lives. When you find yourself discouraged
and ready to give up hope for someone you love, you may find
these accounts to be the inspiration you need.
This story comes to us from a woman I recently helped coach
through some very tough times. Little did I realize just how tough. I like
to try to remember, “you never know just what someone might be going
through . . .”
Although it was difficult for her to revisit these experiences, she did
a superb job recounting the past and sharing her insights. But for the
grace of God and her wise but painful decisions about how to handle
Dan, she could so easily have had one more funeral to attend.
Daniel’s Story
A Mother’s Painful Lessons Learned
It is difficult to think back on the story of my son, Daniel, and his addiction.
It is hard to experience once again the pain of that time in my life. I
do so that I may remember more clearly the lessons I have learned and
perhaps help someone else who may be facing this destructive disease.
Although Daniel’s father and I divorced when Dan was seven, it was in Daniel’s
early middle school years when my family started on his painful
path of using. Perhaps Daniel’s use started because there was more friction
between his parents, or his best friend moved away in 6th grade, or that
in six months time Dan went from a little boy to looking like he was
eighteen years old. It really doesn’t matter how it began, the truth is Dan
used because he is an addict.
My relationship with my son was very strong and loving throughout
his young life, so when there started to be some tension and fighting, it
seemed normal; it was important that he “break” from his strong ties
with his mom to search out his identification as a young man. I still think
that was a reasonable explanation initially but I held on to that explanation
long after I knew in my heart it was more than that.
My son was an athlete who excelled at all team sports. He had gone
through puberty early which gave him an advantage of size and coordination.
He was unassuming and coachable; his teams were successful
and his teammates looked up to him. For whatever reasons, he was attracted
to the wrong crowd. He said kids his age were boring and since
he looked older, he gravitated to older kids.
In eighth grade his behavior became erratic. He would get angry in
a split second over little things and he started punching walls and breaking
chairs. He got into some minor trouble at school and at the end of
his eighth grade summer, he and a friend stole a car. He went through
the diversion program and participated in a restorative justice program.
It seemed he really understood that he needed to change his ways.
Daniel’s first year of high school had many successes in academics
and sports. Socially, he still had friends his age but once again, the older
crowd was becoming a big part of his life. Toward the end of his freshman
year something changed and he started shutting me out of his life
again. At the time I knew it was a red flag but could not convince his dad
or his counselor that he was using.
Sophomore year was difficult. Dan would not speak to me, he lived
full-time with his dad and was spiraling down. He was in therapy off
and on with someone who was highly respected in the community and
credible as an adolescent counselor. I kept insisting that I thought Daniel’s
behavior was indicative of substance abuse, but no one agreed.
In February, Dan came to my house after school drunk with marks
on his arms from hurting himself. He said he wanted to die. I called
the police, Dan went to the ER and then was released to a psychiatric
hospital. When he was to be dismissed, he said he would not do any
outpatient care and his therapist recommended a wilderness program. I
knew I couldn’t watch him 24-7 and I knew that is what he needed. He
was there for two and a half months which gave me some hope and
some sleep, but the program did not emphasize the disease of addiction.
Dan had no 12-step skills, no understanding of his disease and the first
weekend home he went to a party and came home totally smashed.
I don’t remember specifics of junior year. It was a fog of sleepless
nights, days and nights of not knowing where he was or what he was
doing or who he was with. Daniel’s dad was still in denial and refused to
address the use issues. Most high school kids drink and get in trouble,
right? “This is just normal high school stuff was the response I would
get from so many people. I knew it wasn’t; I knew Dan was one of those
people who could not drink alcohol. I heard rumors about the people he
was friends with and some of the criminal things they were doing. And
I was torn about what I should do. I consulted many different therapists
and was told there was nothing I could do. I called the police, I called
a parole officer whose son struggled with the same issues, I talked to
friends. It was the most frustrating, helpless, depressing time of my life.
I would wake in the middle of the night in panic. Was my son dead
somewhere? Was he lying passed out in the freezing cold? If I did something
now, would I save his life? I would call his phone, not expecting him to pick up,
but believing that it might wake him and keep him from dying.
It was the most stressful and hopeless time of Daniel’s addiction for
me. He ended up in the psychiatric hospital in February. Again, I asked
the professionals if this could be a result of using and they said maybe,
but they were looking at mental illness diagnoses.
In the summer after his junior year, my family experienced a tragedy.
My oldest daughter’s husband was killed by an impaired driver.
It was devastating to the whole family and a turning point for Dan and
me. Dan, of course, stepped up his use. He started using hard drugs and
dropped out of school. For me, I had to turn my attention to my daughter
and granddaughter. It forced me to let go of Daniel’s use and abuse
issues and give them to him to figure out. I still prayed that he would
live and choose to live clean and sober but I stopped trying to make it
happen. My response changed from “You have to stop doing this to
yourself or you will die” to “I pray that you choose to live life clean
and sober and let me know what I can do to help you.” I was consumed
with grief over the loss of my son-in-law and with the need to help my
daughter as a single parent. I had to prioritize my use of energy with a
full-time job, my twenty-seven year old widowed daughter, my fatherless
granddaughter, my fifteen year old daughter, and my using addict
son. I just didn’t have the energy to continue worrying about him the
same way I had been. I had to “let it go” and trust that he would figure
it out.
Dan expressed survivor guilt after his brother-in-law was killed,
thinking he was the one who messed up, he was the one who caused
so much pain to the family and he was the one who deserved to die. He
ended up in jail the summer after what should have been his graduation
from high school. He had stolen a car again and was writing checks on
his dad’s account. When he got out of jail he came to live with me amid
promises of not using and following the terms of his probation. After a few
months his use escalated to using heroin and he attended a 30
day treatment program in December. His sisters and I came to family
week to support him in his recovery. We wanted to show him we cared,
but we also were resentful that he was asking more of us. We hoped for
the best for him this time, but we still saw signs that he didn’t take full
responsibility.
Most importantly, during these family sessions I gained clarity about
what my boundaries needed to be and made a commitment to hold to
them. If I suspected that he was high, I would not ask him to confirm or
deny it, I would ask him to leave. He could not live in my house if he
was using. And I learned to trust my intuition regarding whether he was
and I did not need someone else to agree with me. I had the confidence
to believe that I knew my son and his behavior well enough to know
when he was clean and when he was not. I also came to the realization
that there was nothing I could have done to keep my son-in-law from
being killed and there was nothing I could do to keep my son alive if he
was determined to die.
A few weeks after he “graduated” from rehab, he started using again.
I told him I loved him and he was not following the rules we established.
He needed to leave. When I came home from work I began to realize
that he had been coming in the house through different windows. He
had done this in the past just to get in, but this time was different. This
time, he was coming in to steal from me. He stole gold jewelry, tools,
and musical instruments. I went to pawn shops in town and was able to
track down some of the items and get the names of the young men who
had pawned them for Dan. With this information, I filed a police report.
Although it was difficult to do, I was certain that my son was begging
me to do something drastic. He was out of control and could not stop
himself. I was going to help him by keeping my boundaries.
The next time I talked with Dan I gave him a choice.
He could admit himself into a detox unit and make a commitment to
staying clean and sober or I was going to file charges against him for theft.
He choose detox. He worked with his probation officer on some different living
situations after he detoxed, but one required a year commitment and one was
not an option because Dan was on probation. Joe coached me through
this trying time. I had read Joe’s book and knew I needed to be clear
about my boundaries and the consequences. When my son got out after
3 days of detoxing, once again, he got high. I told him to leave again.
Joe had told me to tell Dan not to come back until after he was clean for
90 days. I told Dan that. Dan left the house and I broke down in tears.
The next day I called one of the counselors at the detox and told
him that I kicked Dan out because he used. The counselor said good. I
needed that support. I called Joe and asked if I should file charges, like I
said I would. Joe reminded me that my son would not die of an overdose
in jail. I needed that reminder. I needed the support of these recovery
experts in order to do what I needed to do.
The next morning I went into the garage to let out the dog before I
went to work. My son was sleeping there, huddled up next to the dog.
It was one of the most heartbreaking sights for me. How could it have
come to this? My once sweet, loving boy now a heroin addict who is
living like a dog? Again, I told him I loved him and the agreement we
had was that if he used I would file charges. I told him that I would file
charges after work. That afternoon I got a call from Daniel’s probation
officer who said Dan had come and asked her to do something for him.
He needed help. She called a Christian sober living home and Dan could
come and live there, but needed to make a one year commitment. Dan
agreed. I did not file charges that afternoon, but there is no doubt in my
mind I would have. And I think there was no doubt in Daniel’s mind that
day that I would have.
The relief I felt for the next few weeks was unbelievable. I woke up
in the morning after a full nigh’s sleep. I rested with the assurance that
my son was in a safe and healthy place. The surrender that began when
I turned my son’s addiction over to him ended with complete relief. I
couldn’t talk with him the first month he was there and I was glad of
that. I knew I could get hooked back in and I knew it would not be good
for any of us.
I went to see him after about four weeks and he looked better than he
had in the last year. My son looked like himself, talked to me with love
and gentleness and wanted to stay where he was and be clean.
That was over twelve months ago and our relationship continues to rebuild.
I learned well that he was not trustworthy and I’m not sure how
long it will take for me to believe what he says. I have always believed
in him and I still do. The lying, deceit, and stealing destroyed the foundation
of our relationship. That is a reality of the using addict’s life. I
imagine it will take as many years to rebuild my trust as he spent destroying
my trust.
When I look back, it’s hard to say if I did the right thing or not all
those years. I have come to believe that life is a process and I can only
know what I know when I know it. I am grateful that Dan is where he is
now and I relish each day of his sobriety. I pray that he chooses life each
day and not the death that comes with using. Recovery is a marathon and
he is in the first mile. I am clear that my role is to support and not enable,
to have clear boundaries and to love him. Everything else is up to him.
I am grateful today not for the pain of these last few years of my life
but for the lessons I have learned from dealing with that pain. Those lessons
include learning to trust my intuition, learning to set and maintain
clear boundaries with love and kindness, learning acceptance for what
is, and trusting the judgment of people like Joe.
Addendum:
As of this posting, Dan remains clean and sober, working and living out-of-state with his father.
“Real Stories, Real People”
excerpted from revised edition (pg. 263) of
Why Don’t They Just Quit?
What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery.
(click on title above to purchase)
Tags: AA, addict, addiction, Al-Anon, alanon, alcohol, alcoholic, Alcoholic spouse, alcoholics, alcoholism, cocaine, consequences, dealing with an addict, help an addict, help for alcoholics, help for drugs, hit bottom, how to alcoholic, living with an alcoholic, recovery, rock bottom, teen addictions
Q. Isn’t addiction just a willpower problem?
A. No.
When men or women begin using alcohol or drugs, willpower does play an important role. Deciding to drink or use drugs the first few times is simply a choice. The person may find the initial experiences enjoyable and pleasurable, but that doesn’t make them an addict or alcoholic. Certain drugs can have a much more powerful effect than others, which the user may want to repeat. Just the same, it takes time to become physically and mentally dependent.
Over time, the brain and central nervous system will expect the drug to come in from the outside. This is where physical dependence begins: stopping the use now will result in some signs of withdrawal. Mental or psychological dependence also plays a role in addiction. Once the person develops a physical and mental dependency (i.e. an obsession), willpower becomes less effective. The longer a person continues to use and build tolerance, the more difficult it is to just quit with willpower alone.
There is much to be said regarding this subject of willpower, or lack of it. Many recovering people swear, If not for a power greater than myself, I would still be using. Many addicts who recognize their need to quit do not want to quit. Where then will this desire come from?
Whether this power comes from the person’s spiritual life, or the power of their group or caring friends, recovering people recognize that sheer willpower does not work for them. At some point in recovery, a desire to stop using manifests itself in a person’s consciousness.
Call it what you will; I call this a miracle.
–Joe Herzanek
~ Footprints in the Sand ~
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied,
“The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child,
is when I carried you.”
–Author (still) unknown
This article is excerpted from the 2010 Revised and updated book “Why Don’t They JUST QUIT? What friends and families need to know about addiction and recovery.“
Article photos by Judy Herzanek
by Joe Herzanek
The holiday season is quickly approaching. In this twenty-first century, the winter holidays are both a joyous and stressful time of the year-a time when social gatherings with friends, family and co-workers are happening all around us. Little children are excited at seeing all the sights and experiencing the festivities. For many adults and some children, this can also be a stressful time.
Many of us overcommit to school, church, and work programs. When you add shopping, baking, gift buying, house decorating and entertaining, many will find themselves a little busier than they care to be.
Now, let’s add one more element to the mix: a family member or close friend who is either in recovery or needs to be. How does this impact the scenario?
First, we’ll talk about the person in recovery; and for the sake of discussion, we’ll talk about he or she being in early recovery (the first year or two). Then we’ll move to the person who should be in recovery.
The man or woman in early recovery, who is experiencing the holiday season clean and sober for the first or second time, may also feel a little overwhelmed. For him or her, this time of year can be bittersweet. Most will be excited about going through this season sober or drug-free for the first time in a long time. They may also be remembering some of the past holidays that were, shall we say, “less than ideal”.
For the person new in recovery this is no time to slack off when it comes to attending support groups. Stress is the number one reason for a relapse. Those in early recovery need to be aware of the many things that can trigger a poor decision. Spending some extra time with friends who are also in recovery can make all the difference.
Now, let’s shift our thinking to person number two-the one who needs to be in recovery. How do we handle this situation-especially when this is someone we are about? When the person is someone we may even be living with? What can we do?
What we decide to do may depend on how severely this person’s addiction has progressed. As family members or friends, we too will need to “vent”. For some, it means just making the best of a difficult situation. There may be children involved who don’t understand what’s going on. Finding someone to talk with will make a big difference for us as well. There are a number of resources to take advantage of. Many of them are available at no cost. It just takes a little looking around.
Al-Anon, for adults as well as teens, family groups at a local treatment center, church and community groups-all want to help. One of the great things people experience after attending one of these resources is the peace of knowing that they are not alone. Many other people are experiencing the same thing. People in these groups can offer hope in the midst of what may appear to be a very stressful and hopeless time. “This too shall pass.”
Tags: Al-Anon, Al-Anon groups, Al-Anon Meetings, alanon, alanon help, Family Holiday Problems, Joe Herzanek, Why Don't they Just Quit
We’ve been emailing a wonderful–and very wise woman who just celebrated 9 years of sobriety! She goes by the name of “DC13″ and with permission we share some of her recent thoughts.
It’s the little details in life that we sometimes take for granted that really end up meaning the most especially when they are taken away from us. The wonderful thing is that recovery does happen and lives are changed. Read on. . .
I went to jail 9 years ago yesterday (11th) so today…November 12, 2009…is my 9 year clean date……and let’s just say it’s been quite a roller coaster ride! I personally don’t call where I am as recovered or in recovery….addiction is part of what I am….my sister is diabetic, so she has things that she has to do every single day to make sure that she stays safe and stays alive…..same thing with me…just a different disease ya know. AA is great; as well as NA….personally I think a 12 Step program is very important because it makes you actually work out what makes you tick….but all any of these are is for support…they give the tools to learn to build a “new house” …..but it’s totally up to each person if they choose to build a mansion…..or haphazardly piece together a shack that will blow over with the first spit of wind.
‘Why don’t you just quit?’ was a regular question around my life for about 20 years….I get to put my kids to bed at night now….and know that I’ll get to do again tomorrow… I will never take for granted what my youngest boys hair smells like fresh out of the shower and p.j.’d up and ready for bed at night…those little things make bad days easier.
God…..I know what kind of places and circumstances I put myself in….for me it wasn’t A.A. but it was a 12 step program….helped me learn to help myself…..and introduced me to other people that would be less likely to believe my crap and would help to call me on it when I started spouting it…..accountability is an absolute necessity!
Cure…..don’t believe it…don’t buy it….never heard of it…..had to learn to live in spite of the disease that I have……not let the disease live in spite of me…..I am and will always be an addict…..if I ever for one minute forget that, or become complacent about that or I will once again fall. I work very hard every day to not let that happen….and for 9 years now I have not let my disease be the boss.
But that’s just me.
Thanks DC13!
Tags: 12-Step Groups, AA, AA Wisdom, Addicted Moms, addicted women, addiction recovery, alanon, changing lives foundation, children of addicts, children of alcoholics, quit alcohol, quit drugs, Recovery in prison, recovery wisdom, Why Don't they Just Quit, women addicts, women in recovery
So. . . why don’t they just quit?
Some recent posts from “Dad on Fire” blog:
ORIGINAL POST:
Rewiring the brain against addiction is an idea that holds the key to the answer. Having known suffering drug addicts, its safe to say that “just quitting” is not an answer. The Depression that goes along with addiction, often predicating the need for drugs to begin with is a key area of study. Dual Demons! as it called, continually feeds into the reality of repeated relapse. Addiction is a disease that requires the equivalent focus in dollars and effort of the drug war itself. Once we get big Insurance and big Pharma to play the game of real recovery we can start poking holes in the sails of drug trade. De-criminalizing addiction would cripple illegal drug trade. Imagine a world of compassion, recovery and freedom from addiction.
Joe Herzanek:
Maybe they don’t quit because it’s hard to quit and people don’t like to do things that are hard or challenging. And why bother anyway as long as someone else will come along behind and clean up the mess. Can they quit is a better question and the answer is yes. Sure they need help and no one does it alone but that help will start to come out of the woodwork once they reach out for it, once they swallow their pride. The role of the concerned person or family member is to help them want to, not to look at them as victims. How about imagining a little tough love.
dadonfire
I am with you on the tough love. If it were not for tough love, some addicts wouldn’t get any love at all. So what do you do with the constant stream of 8 million or drug addicts that seem to stay “hooked” and that are dragging themselves down and everything they touch “lock them up in forced rehab” what do you think of the impact of dual diagnosis, the impact of hard drugs on brain chemistry, the costs to our communities, etc. . . looking for solutions, answers, ideas, stuff to post.
Joe Herzanek
I think we have made this much more complicated than it needs to be. Treatment is a great place to begin the journey. Once the person leaves they must follow-up with a support group that meets every day. I do not know of any group that even comes close to the AA 12 Step model. I don’t care if they WANT TO GO or not. The sick person is not in a position to create his or her own treatment program. If my son or daughter were in trouble this is what I would tell them to do. If they don’t like it at first that’s too bad. Imagine a diabetic telling his doctor he just doesn’t want to take insulin. I’ve been in the field for over thirty years and all I’m suggesting is what I have personally seen work the vast majority of the time (like over 90%).
Co-occurring disorders will often take care of themselves after the person stops poisoning his/her brain. It will take at least a few weeks or maybe many months. Too many people want things fixed NOW–so they listen to some “psych” tell them about a special drug and they start to play a chemistry game with the brain. In some cases these meds do make a big difference but they are way over-prescribed. Nothing will ever take the place of talk therapy–nothing. So let’s try a big dose of that first. I have heard more than a few psychiatrists say that many of these drugs often only make things worse. Adding more and more meds should be a last resort.
So how do we stop the ever growing number of people from coming into addiction? In my humble opinion you need to start when they are young, as in small children. Kids spell love T-I-M-E. The more time we invest in our children early in life will make a huge difference. This is by no means a guarantee but it is something we have been lacking in our culture for quite a while. Single-parent homes and absentee parents who pop in on their weekends for some “quality time” ain’t working. One of the best books I have ever read on this issue is Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline. Also, Before it’s too late, by Stanton Samenow.
So what about the 20-something or 30-something or 40-something person who is already in big trouble (or the adolescent, for that matter). What do we do for them? Empathy and a mixture of tough love is what seems to be most effective.
Concerned loved ones and family members need to not only read about what works best but then also start doing what’s best. No more enabling the insanity to continue.
Regards, Joe
We asked Maggie if she would be willing to share
her powerful story of hope with us.
She replied:
Hi Joe,
Of course you may! When I got past the anger phase of this, I made a deal with myself and determined there is a mission of letting other parents know there is a way to get out of the drug addict spiral in the family. I saw it like a drain, just sucking all of us down with the addict. So when this page popped up in the Weekly, I checked it out and saw other people trying to get back to life again.
Thanks for contacting me!
Maggie
My story of story of hope for parents of an addict
Moving to the foothills was a smart move at the time, thinking I would keep my kids out of the gang, drug loop that was on the other sides of town. Little did I realize that one of my kids would become a heroin user for 6 plus years. What always amused me was the name itself–there is no hero in heroin.
My home was a coming and going of my sons other addict buds when I was at work. If I came home and found the kids at my home I would make a calm phone call to the other parents to let them know what was happening and they needed to be aware of the problem. The names I was called for letting these parents know was absolutely horrific. The realization that they were scared kept nagging at me. The defense mechanisms were in high mode. What parent wants to really hear that their kid is using a drug so debilitating?
The reality is I walked around like a zombie for about 2 years trying to find a way out of the nightmare my family was in. I had an ex that was the classic addict mentality and enabler undoing anything I did to try and get our kid to reach out for the help. We buried 6 of his friends up here from OD’s. Often the ones that died were fresh out of very expensive rehabs. The point I am making is this–it is love and love alone that will help you and your family thru this nightmare. Tough love mostly. The realization that this person you gave birth to is an addict, making very adult decisions about their life and that they are capable of doing anything and everything under the sun to feed that habit. My home was burglarized; jewelry gone, car gone, anything worth anything-Gone.
Keeping out of my life and giving him over to god to deal with was my only salvation. I realized that personal survival was the order of my day. He had made a decision to no longer survive.One of our conversations was I would give him my gun with hollow points in it and drive him somewhere to end his life. I would have rather buried him one time than bury him daily in my head. Nothing I could do , say or give him would matter except I told him I loved him. Then I let him go. I knew I might one day get the call from the coroners office that he was dead. He has had 8 double strapped US Marshalls after him. He spent time in jail both county and state.
He has a felony record which makes it tough to get real work. BUT, he is clean for almost 2 years. I saw him a couple months ago and said he and God were responsible for his life being where it is now. Most importantly, he was honest with me. We spoke openly about our feelings about the nightmare we all went thru. I brought up somethings that possibly brought him to the place he is at now. He understood why I did what I had to do at the time.
My hope is that he will be able to help other people in the grips of addiction. He has counseled some but at this point feels it is also important to stay away from anyone involved with the lifestyle. He is working, playing in a band, has a nice girlfriend, is clean of alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes. He eats organic and lives as clean a lifestyle as possible. As parents we need to love our kids enough to not be their friends but to be their parents. They need that more than an I-phone or a car. Parents need to be good to their own selves. An addict will bring wrack and ruin to even the best marriages. I do not feel lucky to have a son that has beaten the addiction route. We were blessed. Faith and prayer were the only way to make it out the other side and the smile on my sons face is proof that it worked.
Maggie M
Tags: 12 step alanon, addict family recovery, addict solutions, Addict Son, Addicted child, addicted son, Al-Anon, alanon, alanon advice, alanon group, alanon help, allanon, Family recovery, help for parents of addict, hope for parents
The Parable of the Prodigal Son
While he was still a long way off,
his father saw him coming.
Filled with compassion
the father ran to the son,
threw his arms around him and said,
“Welcome home.”
His son had come to his senses.
Let’s have a party!
His brother refused to come to the party
even after his father pleaded with him
to join them.
“I’ve stayed here all these years
and never caused a problem.
No one ever had a party for me,”
said the brother.
–paraphrased from the Gospel of Luke
Siblings often find themselves caught in the middle of the recovery process. In the story of the prodigal son, a father waits and watches expectantly for the return of his wayward child. The boy left home and not only squandered his inheritance, but also wasted a big chunk of his life. But there is so much more to the story. As we take a closer look at the entire family, we see that “the rest of the story” can apply to families and siblings today who are struggling with the early stages of recovery.
I know from firsthand experience how siblings can suffer. During my addiction, I was blind to how my actions were affecting my brother and two sisters. Actually, the entire family did not understand what was happening. Even now, more than thirty years later, some members of my family remain bitter, and we have never been able to resolve those hard feelings.
There is only so much time in any given day and when there is one high-maintenance family member, often the other children are neglected. Parents have a limited amount of energy for each day, and then they reach a point of exhaustion. In my case, which again is not unique, I received more than my share of attention. I, like many other addicts, was a very needy person. My life was one crisis after another. There were many occasions when I needed money. I drained my parents of their finances as well as their time and energy. Who suffered? At the time, it was far from obvious, but as I look back it is clear that my brother and sisters–basically good, low-maintenance kids were the innocent victims.
Mom and Dad spent a lot of their parenting energy either helping me with a problem or worried about what I might do next; they were even afraid to answer the phone. They couldn’t be in two places at once, physically or mentally. As a result, my siblings did not receive nearly the amount of attention they deserved. My parents missed their school programs and sports games because of my problems, and holidays were often ruined. Much of the focus was on Joe, and I was messing up my life while my brother and sisters were left striving to do the right thing and gain my parents’ approval and attention.
To make matters worse, my parents’ attention continued to be focused on me for a long time into my recovery. My siblings had to hear over and over, Isn’t it great that Joe’s quit using drugs? How wonderful that Joe is clean and sober. Joe has been drug-free for a year now “let’s celebrate!” These sort of comments continued, even after everything should have been back to normal. Talk about rubbing psychological salt in a wound; my brother and sisters must have been ready to puke. At that time, none of us had a clue how this would ultimately affect our future relationships.
Insidious: working or spreading harmfully in a subtle or stealthy manner. awaiting a chance to entrap; treacherous. harmful but enticing. Developing so gradually as to be well established before becoming apparent. (Webster’s Dictionary)
It was only after years of recovery and study on this topic that this realization came to me. Because of this disease’s slow progression, few families are aware of the effect addiction has on the family as a whole. Few addicts think of making amends toward those who did not appear to be directly affected.
When I entered treatment many years ago, there was not much emphasis placed on the importance of family in the recovery process. Today, this is a key component in most treatment programs. Parents and siblings are strongly encouraged to be part of the process. Some centers will even offer what is called Family Week. This is a time for those who have been negatively affected to become involved in the recovery process. Many times family members will refuse to get involved: “He/she had the problem, not me. And now you are asking me to get counseling? You must be crazy.” Nonetheless, I strongly suggest that family members attend some meetings–if for no other reason than to vent frustration. It will be worth it.
Addiction is treacherous for the whole family. Over time, relationships can become a tangled web. Feelings get hurt and bitterness creeps in, almost unnoticed. Strife begins to build, and after a while no one remembers why. But life is too short to waste years like this. Miracles can happen when a professional helps untangle the mess.
Time has yet to heal some of the wounds in my family. The impact of my addiction and recovery has left deep scars, and damaged relationships among my immediate family that we are still attempting to understand and mend. Despite our attempts to keep things simple, life can sometimes become very complicated. Over the years, my siblings have married. Bitterness and unresolved strife have colored relationships not only among my siblings, but among our spouses and children as well. Recovery and the process of making amends to those who were hurt takes a while. Sometimes these differences may never be resolved.
Quitting, as wonderful as that may be, is not the same as recovering. Recovery means taking responsibility for the broken relationships that occurred when the addict was using. Repairing broken relationships is critical to the process of recovery. With patience and time, progress can be made.
This article excerpted from the book Why Don’t They Just Quit?
Tags: AA, addict, addicted spouse, addicted teen, addiction, Al-Anon, alanon, alanon meeting, Alateen, alcoholic, alonon, Celebrate Recovery, changing lives foundation, Christian recovery, Family recovery, Herzanek, how to help an alcoholic, Joe Herzanek, just quit, quit drugs, recovery, siblings of alcoholics, Why Don't they Just Quit
This is a fabulous post, stop everything and read it. (click here)
Tags: AA, Al-Anon, alanon, Alcohol Addiction, alcohol recovery, alcoholics anonymous, Celebrate Recovery, Rober Ebert
“Why Don’t They Just Quit”, is being updated by author Joe Herzanek find out more, this week on Recovery Now! (click here)
Tags: AA, Add new tag, addiction books, addiction help, addiction recovery, Al-Anon, Al-Anon Books, Al-Anon literature, alanon, alcohol recovery, alcoholics anonymous, Celebrate Recovery, Chaplain Joe Herzanek, drug intervention, drug recovery, Joe Herzanek, recovery
“Overall, very few college students with substance use disorders seek help.”
How much time/money was wasted finding this common sense info?
Like they would just self-quit.
All by themselves.
To find out what works, what doesn’t and why, read about “Raising the Bottom.”
We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol
and that our lives had become unmanageable.
–Step One, AA 12-Steps
After many years in recovery,
I know that I must not forget
this one principle–I will
always be an addict.
–Joe Herzanek
Whether you are a fan of twelve-step programs or not, the first step an attendee will hear offers a great deal of wisdom. The alcoholic/addict should never venture into the world without remembering the important bit of knowledge that Step One provides: Chemically dependent people will not ever be able to gain control over their substance use. Millions
of addicted people have tried, and many have even died trying. Not one person has ever successfully returned to social use.
Admitting Powerlessness
After many years in recovery, I know that I must not forget this one principle–I will always be an addict. Confusion on this matter can lead to disastrous results. My substance use took me places I didn’t want to go, cost me more than I wanted to pay and kept me longer than I wanted to stay. My addiction is now in remission. Just the same, it is alive and well–ready to inflict a lot of pain on me. To forget this would be my greatest mistake.
I have a friend who owns a treatment center in the Colorado Rocky Mountains called Jaywalker Lodge. He accepts only men who are highly motivated to change. The program is a four-month-minimum-stay facility, cash only, no insurance. The entire focus is on Step One. It’s for men who have made several attempts to quit, only to find themselves stumbling again and again. Frustrated and broken, they arrive at the treatment center willing to do whatever it takes to regain their sobriety. This facility teaches men that the key to recovery starts with a true admission of powerlessness.
Once a recovering addict is convinced of their inability to ever control their using, they will no longer attempt to do so if they want to maintain their recovery. Incorporating Step One into a person’s life requires a daily ongoing shift in thinking–sometimes referred to as “one day at a time.” Lifelong recovery obviously involves much more than this one crucial admission. Recovery and rebuilding what was lost takes substantial time and effort. But it will all be in vain if this one fundamental principle is forgotten.
A Humbling Realization
Once the power or ability to control how much a person can use is lost, it is lost forever. Any attempt to regain control is futile. This applies to the user who is brand new to recovery as well as to someone with over two decades of abstinence. No one is tougher than addiction, and it’s one wound that time cannot heal. You, as a person close to the situation, should understand this fundamental step as a foundational principle.
It’s a humbling realization.
This article is excerpted from the book “Why Don’t They Just Quit?“
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Tags: 12-Steps, AA, addict, addicted spouse, addicted teen, addiction, Al-Anon, alanon, alanon meeting, alcoholic, Celebrate Recovery, changing lives foundation, Christian recovery, Herzanek, Joe Herzanek, just quit, quit drugs, recovery, Step One, Why Don't they Just Quit
Man on the Street/Why Don’t They Just Quit?
Joe Herzanek (author/”Why Don’t They JUST QUIT?”) interviews shoppers on the Pearl St. Mall (Boulder, CO) and asks the question “Why Don’t They Just Quit?”
Tags: AA, addict, addicted spouse, addicted teen, addiction, Al-Anon, alanon, alanon meeting, alcoholic, Celebrate Recovery, changing lives foundation, Christian recovery, Herzanek, Joe Herzanek, just quit, quit drugs, recovery, Why Don't they Just Quit
Why Don’t They JUST QUIT? DVD, sample discussion Q&A about addiction and recovery from drugs and alcohol.
Tags: AA, addict, addicted spouse, addicted teen, addiction, Al-Anon, alanon, alanon meeting, alcoholic, Celebrate Recovery, changing lives foundation, Christian recovery, Herzanek, Joe Herzanek, just quit, quit drugs, recovery, Why Don't they Just Quit
