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Detachment. How Can I?

by Joe Herzanek

When life becomes one crisis after another, when emotional pain and endless drama become “the norm” what am I supposed to do? Over the past few decades I’ve received this question a lot. Recently it has become the #1 question. Why is that? What do I suggest to families who have arrived at this place? How about this: My suggestion is to do NOTHING! Stop “doing.” Quit “doing.” No longer “DO” anything.

Let’s talk about letting go and what that looks like (sometimes referred to as detachment). So there—I’ve said it; The “D” word, The Ultimatum, The Nuclear Option.

When to use it

Let’s start with “when to use it.” Detachment is usually the last resort—although it doesn’t have to be. This is most effective in the life of an “adult” loved-one who has demonstrated that they no longer have any ability to control or stop substance use on their own.

This person has a boatload of extremely negative consequences piling up all around them, but they continue to drink and/or drug. Often this pattern has gone on for years and gets progressively worse. Perhaps there were a few “okay” periods of time, but they didn’t last.

Sooner or later everyone sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson

This person may or may not have a job (approximately 77% of all substance dependent men and women get up and go to work most days). They may function well enough on the job to be able to keep it. Many will even point to this fact as proof that they are not addicted. In reality most perform poorly on the job, miss work, and generally have a negative attitude about almost everything. This in turn, leads to “pour me another drink.”

Others move from job to job and eventually become unemployable. Some will tend to isolate and spend most or all of their time with their first love, AOD (alcohol and other drugs).

Family life, parenting, being the father, mother, spouse or sibling they once were is no longer a priority. In fact, it’s probably not on the radar screen at all. Borrowing money, promising to quit, burning bridges, causing heartache to anyone who comes close to them is the “new norm.”  When small children become part of this picture it gets more ugly. This is not sad; this is pathetic. If not now—when? When do the family members say, “We’ve had enough?”

This, dear reader, is the time to detach. This is the time to “do nothing.”

I also like to remind people of  “The Three C’s of Al-Anon” which are: “you didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it, and you can’t control it.”  What you can do is help the person to “want to” quit. If the “want to” is there, anyone can have recovery.

What does detachment look like? How do I do it?

Before I explain how it works, I need to add one caveat. I was recently in San Antonio conducting a workshop for The Palmer Drug Abuse Program (PDAP). The Program Director of this wonderful facility, a woman named Trish, reminded me of something important I sometimes tend to overlook. She said the family needs to be totally prepared for this step (intellectually and emotionally) and that for this to be effective, all family members need to be “on board.” Having emotional support and guidance regarding the necessity for such action, what to expect and being prepared is critical to the success of this step. This is not going to be a “walk in the park” and having good support is crucial.

So, how does one begin to do this? My first suggestion is to get a pen and paper and write out a plan (there is much more about this in my “Ten Toughest Questions” DVD and the link provided at the end of this article**).

Everyone’s situation will be unique, and obviously I can’t tackle each one here. Having said that, I suggest, at a minimum, that you jot down some bullet points you want to cover when you share your concerns with your loved-one. Even writing out what you want to say, word for word, is perfectly fine. Anticipate what the person will say or object to beforehand. Keep in mind that detachment is rarely forever. In fact, when you confront the person you have decided to detach from, put a timeframe on it (let them know how long it’ll be till you are willing to regain communication). Once you have reached this point, you need to remember that it’s too late for another broken promise or a few days of abstinence to mean anything.

So, here we go. You’ve prepared—both mentally, and you have a plan on paper–and you are ready to have a firm, but loving discussion with this person. A time to confront/talk with the person has been set and agreed to. You’ve asked this person to let you share your concerns and you simply read what you want to say or speak to them based on your written bullet points.

My suggestion is to determine a minimum period of total abstinence you are requiring from your addict or alcoholic—before you are willing talk to or see them again (thirty or sixty days should be the minimum). Begin by emphasizing to them that you love them very much and that it breaks your heart to see them continue with their substance abuse. Let them know that you (and all family members involved) have made this decision. You can list possible living options for them on their copy of your letter. Tell he or she–that they must decide which relationship is the most important—the one they currently have with their alcohol or drug use, or their own family. You must make it crystal clear that they have to choose–because they can’t have both.

There is so much more I could write on this topic—especially when I think of all the different scenarios possible. Please do your homework before attempting this, seek wise counsel*, read all you can and get a second opinion.

When it’s all “said and done” this tough love approach often works when nothing else will. Addiction, left alone will only get worse over time. What I remind people about in my book and in counseling is that “recovery is a process—not en event.”

This is why I sometimes suggest that you “do nothing.” The phrase “let go and let God” applies to the family members and friends–as well as the person seeking recovery. Detachment is one of the most difficult things that a person (especially a mom) may ever need to do.

Stay strong, seek support and know with confidence that no matter what happens—you have “done” everything you know to do.

* To learn more about individual counseling with Joe Herzanek (in person or by phone) click here.
** Detachment–Letting Go of Someone Else’s Problem

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This short article explains one of the most important (and one of our favorite) concepts. Dr. James Fay (Parenting Teens With Love and Logic) illustrates the simple approach–of showing empathy while remaining strong.

EMPATHY!

Consequences delivered with empathy create responsibility.
Consequences delivered without empathy create resentment.

So we have a choice: Will we raise responsible kids…or resentful ones?

Will we end up in a nice nursing home or a nasty one?

Understanding why empathy is the most important skill is simple. Empathy preserves the relationship and makes it very hard for our kids to blame us for their poor decisions.

Really using sincere empathy…on a consistent basis…is the hard part!

We’ve spent over two decades studying people who’ve been successful with this. What do they have in common? They use just one empathetic statement…regardless of what consequence they must provide.

That’s right. They keep it simple!

They also pick one that fits their personality and culture. Some folks always precede consequences with, “That is so sad.” Others prefer, “Oh, man…”

Some parents say, “What a bummer.” Others prefer, “Bless your heart.”

Tape this note on your bathroom mirror as a reminder.

Thanks for reading!
Dr. Charles Fay
Originally Published 7/15/09

©2009 Jim Fay, Charles Fay, Ph.D., and Love and Logic® Institute. All copyright infringement laws apply. Permission granted for photocopy reproduction and forwarding. Please do not alter or modify contents. For more information, call the Love and Logic® Institute, Inc. at (800) 338-4065 or www.loveandlogic.com

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Your Local Mission Dollars at Work
Joe Herzanek founder of Changing Lives Foundation

by Russ Teets

Editor’s note: This is the fourth in a series of articles describing the people and agencies in and around Boulder that First Pres supports through Local Missions.

First Pres’ relationship with Joe Herzanek started in 1999 when Local Missions began supporting him as the Chaplain at the Boulder County Jail. In that role, Joe leads Bible studies, Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Narcotics Anonymous (NA) meetings in the jail, provides Bibles, conducts one-on-one Christian Studies and substance abuse counseling—along with coordinating all religious volunteer activities.

In his role as Addictions Counselor at the jail, Joe spends time counseling inmates and advising their family members and others in the community on effective ways to negotiate the often complex “world of addiction and recovery.” Approximately 90% of all inmates have an alcohol or drug problem. He often gets calls from family members asking for advice on what they can do to help the person quit.

Joe’s personal struggles earlier in life were preparation for working with offenders who also have addiction problems. From age 13 to 29, Joe battled his own drug and alcohol problem—finally receiving treatment. He now has over 30 years of abstinence from substances. Joe has a real passion for helping people caught up in substance abuse and also their family and friends. He is the founder of Changing Lives Foundation and author of the book Why Don’t They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery which won the Best Self-Help Book award in 2008.

Changing Lives Foundation is committed to bringing to the public clear and concise information on substance abuse, drug addiction, alcoholism and compulsive behaviors. Perhaps more importantly, they focus on how individuals and families recover from these problems. Although it is very challenging, many people recover and make dramatic changes in their lives.

In addition to the book Why Don’t They Just Quit? Joe has a number of other resources to help families:
• a DVD titled The 10 Toughest Questions, which seem to come up again and again during the counseling he does. These include such topics as: “How can I tell if a person is addicted or just a heavy user? How do I confront this person? How do I handle adolescent use and abuse? How do I show my love without enabling? How do I get my life back?”
•    a wealth of resources on the website www.ChangingLivesFoundation.org
•    seminars for the public, like the one he held at First Pres last April.
•    radio shows
•    family counseling.
Joe specializes in “crisis counseling” for those situations that seem hopeless or impossible. He’s especially gifted at helping families find their way “out” and partnering with them to formulate a plan. This counseling can be in person or by phone.

Joe is a quiet, calm man with a deep faith in Jesus Christ—important attributes for dealing with crisis situations. According to Keith Vandergrift, Missions Pastor at First Pres: “Joe strikes a fine balance—demonstrating religious values in his approach to recovery, but avoiding a preachy or pushy posture. He makes it clear he is a Christian, but speaks in a way that is comfortable to anyone who wants to learn more about how to help others in their struggle. That’s not an easy thing to do and Joe pulls it off as well as anyone I’ve seen.”

Joe’s wife Judy works behind the scenes. As the Director of Creative Development and Marketing for Changing Lives Foundation she manages all communications, graphic design, marketing, customer service, order fulfillment and creative implementation of content for printed and online resources, publicity and presentations.

Joe and Judy have three children—and are fairly new “empty-nesters.” They enjoy living in Colorado, playing with their two Cairn Terriers Lewis and Clark (yes, just like Toto), camping, and most of all—hiking above treeline in the beautiful Rocky Mountains.

For more information on recovery or for Crisis Counseling see the Changing Lives website, contact Joe at 303.775.6493 or email: jherzanek@gmail.com.

CLICK HERE to view a wonderful video of all the missions First Pres supports.

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Changing Lives would like to extend a big “Thanks” to the wonderful people of San Antonio and especially for the support and hospitality of those who sponsored this event: Palmer Drug Abuse Program (PDAP), San Antonio Fighting Back and the Baptist Health Foundation of San Antonio.

Joe Herzanek and volunteer role playThe two-hour workshop was very well attended (standing room only, with over 140 attendees). Joe and a volunteer did some role playing, there was plenty of good food, interaction, laughter and applause . . . and we had an emotional ending (see below).

For details on sponsoring a workshop at your
church or organization
email us at: jherzanek@gmail.com
or
call Joe at (303)775.6493

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Click here to watch

This clip is excerpted from the new DVD
The 10 Toughest Questions

Families and Friends Ask About Addiction and Recovery

What if they just CAN’T quit?

Learn the truth to this often misunderstood notion that some people “just can’t quit.” Author/Addiction Counselor Joe Herzanek answers this and much more in the book  “Why Don’t They Just Quit?”

September 3, 2010 by jherzanek | No comments

Coping With Family Tragedies
By Chase Block

Chase Block is the 15-year-old author of the new book, Chasing Happiness: One Boy’s Guide to Helping Other Kids Cope with Divorce, Parental Addictions and Death.

(Read more about Chase at the end of this article)


I was a 13-year-old kid growing up in Jacksonville, Florida, when I decided I wanted to help other kids whose parents were divorcing.  My own folks split when I was 6, and then had other relationships, marriages and divorces. I felt I could help my friends learn what to expect when they were facing similar family shifts.

I decided to write a book of practical tips and advice to share, from a kid’s point of view, how to survive divorce. The day before I actually began working with an editor on the book, my mom killed herself.

My beautiful, wonderful mom, who was dearly loved by everyone, lost her decades-long battle with mental illness, an addiction to pills, and alcoholism. She took her own life eight years after she and my dad split up. I was shocked and confused – but I didn’t want to forget the book. As horrible as I felt, I knew other kids would go through this stuff too, and maybe my story could help them.

It wasn’t easy to talk about everything I was going through.  Now that my book, Chasing Happiness: One Boy’s Guide to Helping Other Kids Cope with Divorce, Parental Addictions and Death, is out, I’m hearing from people, like parents and teachers, who are so glad other kids can check it out.

I talk about the shock of Mom’s suicide, my grief and guilt, and my own suicidal thoughts. The biggest thing I learned, both from my parents’ divorce and my mom’s death, is that you can’t do it alone. Family, friends, teachers, therapists, hobbies — all have their place in helping kids work through the tough spots.

By the age of 14, I had gone through challenges that people twice my age couldn’t imagine. I hope my book can help kids dealing with their parents’ divorce, suicide, or any personal tragedy.  My message isn’t, “Look at how horrible this is,” but, “Here’s what I learned, and how I learned it. I want to share this information with you.”

I also hope to let people know we’re pretty smart.

We kids know a lot more than adults give us credit for.  We usually already know the stuff you try to hide from us. Just ask us! We really appreciate straight talk, and not just pretending that what’s happening right in front of us isn’t there.

For all the kids out there reading this, I hope you never have to go through really hard times. But, if you do, please know you’re not alone — you can make it through, and you can make a difference.

As for adults, after you read this, I hope you’ll never ignore our emotions, or think we don’t feel things as deeply as grownups because we’re not acting the way you think an upset or depressed person should. Don’t confuse ‘young’ with ‘clueless.’ We’re more intelligent, worldly, stressed out, and plugged in than you guys were at our age. We need your help, and we also need your respect.

——————————————————————————————————————————-

Chase Block is the 15-year-old author of the new book, Chasing Happiness: One Boy’s Guide to Helping Other Kids Cope with Divorce, Parental Addictions and Death. Chase’s parents divorced when he was 5. He wanted to help other kids understand what to expect when parents split, so he started outlining the information he wanted to share. The day before he began writing his book, Chase’s popular mom committed suicide, shocking and devastating the community. Instead of shelving the book project, Chase felt renewed urgency to share his personal journey from devastation to hope in order to help others dealing with similar tragic situations. Chase is considering a career in politics, and lives in Jacksonville with his dad and brother. To learn more, visit http://www.chasinghappinessbook.com or http://www.chaseblockbook.com.

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Today’s post from Charlie!

“Years ago I kept praying for a great big house, and a fishing lake.  In 1991 God gave me a 3 story recovery house in the Ghetto, with a lake where they sometimes found dumped bodies from the night before..  SOBRIETY IS A HOOT….  AND THAT’S THE TRUTH…”

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Some GREAT news from our friend Janis P.

Please share in her happiness and comment if you like!
(Painting by Janis P.)

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I love the question at the end of this.
This DVD FREE with Combo Pack Purchase from our website:

http://www.whydonttheyjustquit.com/

CLICK ON IMAGE ABOVE TO VIEW SHORT CLIP.

Any guesses who the woman is? Read the book for more clues!

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“In the middle of difficulty
lies opportunity.”

Your situation may be unique, but it’s not hopeless.

We specialize in those tough, crisis “seemingly impossible” situations.

There IS a solution. Together we can formulate a plan to restore sanity to your life — saving you and your family time, money, stress and unnecessary heartache.
Personalized consultations
with author/addiction counselor Joe Herzanek.
Specialized to your unique situation.

(in person or by phone)
Call: (303) 775.6493
or
Email: jherzanek@gmail.com
to learn more about a personal consultation
with Author/Addiction Professional Joe Herzanek, CAP

Read more…

“Why Don’t They JUST QUIT?”
(to access site and order book/DVD, click here)

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Charlie’s Corner: “Sobriety is a Hoot!”

“I have spent my whole life stuffing my feelings. As a child raised in a strict Southern Baptist household, I was told big boys don’t cry. And never show any sign’s of anger. So I stuffed these bad feelings.  As an adult with alcohol raging through my sick brain, I learned not to show any emotions. Became a very calm drunk on the outside, to other people I was laid back and very easygoing. Then one day along came these feeling all at once. . . like a freight train with no engineer.

When I removed the alcohol I had used as my “I’m not feeling today medicine” I had no idea what to do with all these feelings. I don’t like the words “work the steps.” “Work it” is not for me “Live the steps” works better for me. The steps allow me to feel again, some good and some bad, but I at least have a way to recognize the difference. If sad things happen to me or someone–I cry; and so on.

These are the things the program of Alcoholics Anonymous have taught me.

Thank you all for being part of my miracle. We’re a family and I love you all…. Charlie”

Charlie V., “house dad” of several recovery houses near Independence, MO, keeps us all posted on what is important in life, and even more that that. . . how to laugh!
Keep checking for updates. We think you’ll be glad you did!

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We’ve added a new “category” to our blog called:
Charlie’s Corner: “Sobriety is a Hoot!”

Charlie V., “house dad” of several recovery houses near Independence, MO, keeps us all posted on what is important in life, and even more that that. . . how to laugh!

In reality. . . Charlie is a hoot!
Keep checking for updates. We think you’ll be glad you did!

“It is such a joy to me that someone would come to me and ask for sobriety help..This is what I really want in sobriety to help another Alcoholic..  It keeps me right sized and that is important, because they are helping me stay sober more than the other way around.  I haven’t been sober all that long myself, but I do have tons of past pain and experiences to share.. At 63 years old I ran alcohol the full gamit and I will always remember my last drunk… Sometime I must share my burning fuse experience.. Not burning bush, I had a fuse that stopped my last drunk short of death..”

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"Providing families in need with over 30 years of real-life, hands-on experience and success"

Providing families in need
with over 30 years of real-life,
hands-on experience and success
.

Do you long to sleep through the night? Do you wonder if you are doing the “right thing”? Do you wish you could make them stop their addiction? Does your life seem out of control? Have you had enough drama to last a lifetime?

Your situation may be unique, but it’s not hopeless.

We specialize in those tough, crisis “seemingly impossible” situations.

There IS a solution. Together we can formulate a plan to restore sanity to your life — saving you and your family time, money, stress and unnecessary heartache.

Personalized consultations
with author/addiction counselor Joe Herzanek.
Specialized to your unique situation.

(in person or by phone)
Call: (303) 775.6493
or
Email: jherzanek@gmail.com
to learn more about a personal consultation
with Author/Addiction Professional Joe Herzanek, CAP
Read more

We understand there are times when life seems so out of control and hopeless–you just can’t bring yourself to sit down and find answers from a book or DVD.

In order to effectively come alongside and partner with you to make changes you can live with, we offer one-on-one consulting. While most of Joe’s consulting is done over the phone, he also provides on-site consulting services.

You and your family will work with Joe to formulate a plan which will begin to restore sanity to your life–saving time, money, stress and unnecessary heartache.

Begin taking the steps your family needs to end the chaos and receive specific guidance for your unique circumstances.

Joe will walk you through the steps you need to take, giving you knowledge, support and confidence to “do what needs to be done – every step of the way.You can get through this.

Gain peace of mind, knowing that you are taking the steps necessary to begin healing and recovery–for your loved-one and your family.

Call: (303) 775.6493
or
Email: jherzanek@gmail.com
to learn more about personal consultation
with Author/Addiction Professional Joe Herzanek, CAP

Read more

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We met up with Eminem in a VIP lounge, and he talked about his new album, “Recovery” – which hits stores next Monday – and also really opened up about the trials he’s faced over the past several years.

This latest disc, he said, reflects a healthier place in his life.

“Recovery feels better than ever,” the Detroit rapper said. “Feels like I’m me again.”

But it wasn’t easy facing his drug addiction demons. Read more. . .

READ MORE INFO ABOUT STEP ONE:
“We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol
and that our lives had become unmanageable.”
~Step One, AA 12-Steps

Step One: What’s the big deal about Step One?

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Thanks to Jamie Alessandrine/There is Always Hope! for this.

One day at a time – this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone. . .
–Ida Scott Taylor

It’s not always easy to understand that the day stretching before us is all that counts. Daydreaming about the party last week, or getting upset all over again about a fight we had yesterday with a friend doesn’t help us right now. When our minds are on the past, we miss out on the conversation or the activity that is going on around us.

Every moment of the day is special and guaranteed to help us grow and understand life. All of us have been taught to pay attention in school or when others talk to us. But we should also pay attention to the birds, the sky, even the grass. And we can learn a lot by paying attention to the conversations going on around us and to the small voice inside us that helps us know right from wrong.

What’s going on today is enough to pay attention to.

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Thanks to John Derry (A Home Away), for this wonderful review! (Click Here)

Also, check out John and Jane’s picturesque recovery retreat close to Vancouver, by Kelowna, British Columbia

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Click Here to view a short clip before reading article below

Does treatment have to cost a lot?
Addiction crosses all education level “from Yale to jail.” IQ has little to do with it. Some of the lucky ones recognize the problem early, swallow their pride, and seek help. The majority, though, are like me. By that I mean they have an attitude–an attitude that says, “No one is going to tell me what to do!” One person may need only a few counseling sessions. Another might need a few months in a residential setting. Many centers offer outpatient and intensive outpatient treatment as well as residential treatment.

Inpatient or residential treatment is one option, though it is the most expensive. Even at discounted rates many families cannot afford a 28- day program. However, this isn’t necessary for every drug-dependent person. In fact, more than half of all recovering people didn’t have the inpatient experience. As I make this point, please bear in mind that I’m not suggesting that inpatient treatment isn’t beneficial. It would be wonderful if this was available to everyone; but it’s not. There just aren’t enough facilities for the demand. Even if there were, many people can’t afford it.

Let’s talk about a few other ways to begin recovery. Determining which treatment is appropriate will depend on the drugs the addict has been using, how much, for how long, and his or her level of motivation. We will start with the simplest and work our way up.

Counseling
For those who experience intervention early, before the addiction has become severe, the recovery process might be less complicated. It may involve only a couple of counseling sessions with an addiction counselor and then committing to attend recovery group meetings. There will be some who commit to recovery sooner than others, and the sooner, the better. Some people are lucky enough to not have to hit a low bottom (see chapter 18).

Outpatient Treatment
For those with a moderate problem, outpatient treatment may be appropriate. This works well for the high-functioning addict/alcoholic. By high-functioning I mean the user still has a job and a home, pays his bills on time and is generally responsible, yet knows he has a real problem. Maybe a spouse or a friend has noticed his excessive drinking and mentioned something about it. If the dependent person is doing well on the job or in school and just can’t leave for a month, outpatient treatment may be the answer. This candidate would attend group meetings, typically in the evenings and maybe also see a counselor a few times a week.

Intensive Outpatient Treatment

The next level of treatment is what is called intensive outpatient treatment. This usually consists of two-hour group meetings three to five nights a week. A professional addiction counselor facilitates the meeting. Again, the advantage here is that the addict can continue going to school or work and return to his or her home at night. This is a long day, but is an ideal solution for some who need daily support to be successful in recovery. It also is much less expensive, than residential treatment because the treatment center does not have to provide housing and meals. This option usually lasts four to six weeks and tapers down to whatever is best for the individual.

Inpatient/Residential Treatment
For serious cases, inpatient or residential treatment may be the best option. Residential treatment is what worked for me. I believe it is exceptionally effective for several reasons. First, it pulls the patient completely out of their environment, removing them from their friends, who are usually other substance abusers. A family may also want to consider sending the user out of state to really move them to a different environment (at this point, we are talking about only a few hundred extra dollars for traveling expenses).

Inpatient treatment is very structured. The first few days are often referred to as detox, which means going through some physical withdrawal. This phase varies quite a bit from person to person. Believe me, this experience is not fun, but I made it through. The severity of a person’s detox experience depends on the drug or drugs a person has been using. I’ve heard a few people say it was no big deal at all. Others have described it as four or five days of living hell. There are some drugs available now that can help ease the discomfort of the first few days of withdrawal.

When I arrived at the treatment center in Atchison, Kansas, the intake person asked me about my drug use history. Along with everything else, I had been taking a high dose of Valium every day. I didn’t think it was going to be a big deal to give up. But stopping this drug all at once, after years of use, was a shock to my system. I had a couple of very difficult days. The feelings I had are not easy to describe. Along with the insomnia came some hallucinations. In some ways it was like having a nightmare while being awake. The rational part of my brain knew I needed to quit using, not just Valium, but everything else as well. But my body and part of my mind still wanted and needed that drug. There was a battle going on. A real fight. Had I tried to do this on my own, I seriously doubt that I would have stuck it out. Treatment centers want to move everyone through this stage as quickly as possible and get them involved in recovery work.

Most facilities post their regular schedule on their website. The lectures and groups that take place throughout the day shed light on every aspect of drug and alcohol dependency. The person learns in great detail what will happen (or has already happened) to them physically, mentally and spiritually. In addition to participating in groups, each person meets one-on- one with a professional counselor. Many facilities have a chaplain on staff. Few, if any, chaplains will get into debating religion or suggest that a person must adopt any certain belief-system. Regardless of this, people often come into treatment looking for answers to spiritual issues, and centers have found it beneficial to have a professional available to meet the spiritual needs of their patients.

I will always remember how meaningful it was to spend time during the evenings and weekends with others who shared the same struggles. There is a special bond among those who have been there. People are encouraged to take walks and to experience their feelings on a deeper level through journaling. Time allotted for reading, reflecting, prayer, and meditation are luxuries the addict did not have (and did not care about having) in his home environment. This experience can be a real turning point in a person’s life.

Specialized Treatment
Gender-specific (all-men or all-women) centers have recently be- come a great option. A patient who is in a gender-specific facility has the advantage of speaking more openly and gaining a more complete understanding from group members who share the same life experiences. There are certain issues that apply to men more than women, and vice-versa. When addiction issues are dealt with in a specifically male or female context, a very therapeutic and powerful camaraderie forms.

Men, for example, find it difficult to admit weakness and accept defeat. But if they are with a group of other men who have also had their lives destroyed by drug abuse, they are more likely to be humble and honest in a group setting. Having to admit to brokenness in a mixed group is much more difficult (it’s that whole macho thing). Even the reason men and women become users can be different. Men seem to take illicit drugs to get a high and as an adventure, whereas women take them more often to relieve stress and to self-medicate.

Women in treatment often have been taken advantage of by men, so they may be more likely to open up without men in the room. They are more sensitive to the social stigma of addiction, and therefore may have been more private about their substance use than men. Women also are more likely to be dealing with parenting issues. Lately, more and more inpatient treatment centers are opening their facilities to children so they can stay with their mothers for the duration of their treatment.

Depending on the severity of a person’s addiction, longer treatment can be more effective than a typical twenty-eight-day stay. Sixty-day and ninety-day treatments are becoming more common. Someone who was using large amounts of methamphetamine, cocaine, or heroin over a period of years may need ninety days of treatment. But regardless of the drug the person has been using, there can be varying reasons why extended treatment may be to their advantage. For example, some people will need more time to work on ways to resist drug use and develop replacements for drug-using activities. There are many factors to consider before a person leaves treatment; the center itself will make recommendations. I can’t think of any cases where a few extra weeks in treatment turned out to be a bad idea. There is a lot at stake here.

Cost of Treatment
In today’s unstable economy, the financial strain of recovery is a real issue for families. How much does treatment have to cost? Who pays? The average cost for a one-month program is about $20,000. Prices usually begin around $10,000 and go up to $40,000 or more. This is a lot of money seemingly out of reach for most families. But when you consider how much money the addict has blown on drug and alcohol use in the past, and how beneficial this treatment program will be, it may be well worth it.

There are ways to defray the cost of treatment. First of all, some employers are willing to help cover the cost; all you have to do is ask. Some insurance companies will cover the cost as well, so families need to find out what their insurance plan will and will not cover. However, many treatment facilities unfortunately do not accept insurance. Dealing with insurance companies is often a paperwork nightmare, and some centers do not have the staff to keep up with what it requires. Moreover, some insurance companies try to dictate just what type of treatment they will cover and for how long, and this may not fit with a treatment center’s philosophy or diagnosis. However, there are centers that do take insurance, and usually they will make all the phone calls concerning coverage and handle the details for you.

If the employer won’t help cover the cost of a treatment program, and the insurance plan doesn’t cover it or if it does but the treatment center won’t accept insurance money you should know that many facilities will take people for less than the standard fee–sometimes much less. Occasionally, patients are able to get ten to fifty percent off of the normal rate. Some centers will even let you make payments on a discounted price. In these cases, they are essentially loaning you the money in spite of credit history. How do you find out about these discounts? Ask. That’s right, simply ask if there is any way to get a reduced fee.

How are they able to charge less? There may be some scholarship money available, or sometimes a hospital or a graduate of the treatment program will help cover the cost. If a treatment center sees that a person is able to pay only a portion of the cost, and if it is obvious that the person is motivated to begin recovery, those at the center will be motivated to help as well. For people working in this field, drug treatment is both a business and a passion. A high percentage of counselors, staff and owners are also recovering people. For most, it’s not all about the money. Call around. Ask a lot of questions. You just might be surprised what you find out.

So far we’ve covered the more formal, structured treatment methods. So, what other forms of treatment or support are available?

Twelve-Step Programs
Probably the most obvious are the twelve-step programs. AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) and NA (Narcotics Anonymous) are literally everywhere, all the time, across the world, and they are free. Al-Anon is also available to the family member who needs support or information. These groups all have listed phone numbers and will give you information twenty-four hours a day.

Sadly, within the Christian Community there are some who see a conflict with The Twelve Steps (of AA and Al-Anon) and biblical principles. I’ve studied this at length and I have found none. For those who are followers of Christ, we can simply know that He is our Higher Power–our understanding of God.
As I mentioned earlier, many churches are now adding addiction counselors to their staff. Some churches even refer to themselves as Recovery Churches. Things are changing. An important point to keep in mind is that the addict or alcoholic must have daily support as they begin this road to recovery. In the beginning, a person in recovery is high-maintenance and needs daily support. This is why I believe that a twelve-step program must be part of early recovery. Are there rare exceptions to this? Yes. But remember how much is at stake. I personally know of many Christians who took advantage of what AA had to offer and are now glad they did.

Is AA or NA appropriate for everyone? This is a tough question. You can surely check it out for yourself. Discourage your friend or family member from making a judgment too quickly after visiting just one group. Each group has its own personality. Sometimes it takes visiting several to find a group that the addict will feel comfortable with. There are different meetings in all parts of town, including: men’s, women’s, open meetings (where a person doesn’t have to be an alcoholic to attend), and speaker meetings.

Some people in certain professional fields might not feel comfortable attending AA or NA meetings, even though the names of those attending, and the content of such meetings, are confidential. Why? Some people are very visible in their community. If a person is a doctor, dentist, police officer, city official, pastor, judge, lawyer, school-teacher, swim coach, school counselor, CEO, pharmacist, pilot, or bus driver, it might be very difficult to stay anonymous. Most people wouldn’t want to jeopardize their career to get support in such a potentially public manner. I wouldn’t want to meet my surgeon at an AA meeting! Some people may need to find a different resource, but more often than not, twelve-step groups are very beneficial.

Spin-offs of the traditional twelve-step groups include faith-based groups like Celebrate Recovery, Christians in Recovery and the Salvation Army. The Salvation Army also offers free in-patient recovery programs in some cities. There is help available for almost everyone. People that need recovery have choices, ranging from those that cost absolutely nothing to a multitude of deluxe high-priced options. Help is out there. Just ask.

Over the past two decades I’ve seen addicts and families recover from both mild and severe addiction problems. Sadly, there are others who give up the fight before they even get started. Finding a good support group or counselor doesn’t always happen overnight. Get referrals, talk to others who had similar problems, and be persistent. Determination always pays off.

“There is help available for almost everyone.
People that need recovery have choices.”

“We can’t afford treatment. What now?”
excerpted from revised edition (pg. 101) of
Why Don’t They Just Quit?
What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery.

(click on title above to purchase)

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RESCHEDULED FROM LAST WEEK:

To our friends (and their friends) in the Front Range, Colorado area, I’ll be on The Jim Pfaff live call-in radio show on 560 AM, KLZ “The Source”
THIS MORNING Wednesday, May 5 at 11:00 AM–12:00 PM-Mountain Time

Other time zones:

Pacific Time: 10:00 AM–11:00 AM
Central Time: 12:00 PM–1:00 PM
Eastern Time: 1:00 PM–2:00 PM

Call-in # is: (303) 477-5600

Go to: http://www.560thesource.com/
OR click this link to listen (live streaming) on your computer.

We’ll be talking calls and answering questions about how to deal with an addicted friend or loved-one. Please call with a question. I’d love to hear from you!

Grace and peace,
–Joe

Please forward this to friends and family who may be interested.
This broadcast reaches from Ft. Collins to Colorado Springs, CO—and you can listen to this worldwide via streaming internet.

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For those of you NOT watching the Hallmark special…. maybe you would want to listen to Joe on this live (Tampa Bay, FLA) call-in radio show: Prescription Addiction Radio.
(click here to listen online)

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STEP 7: Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

LISTEN TO JOE NOW (CLICK HERE)
Removing defects of character. Joe Herzanek, author of “Why Don’t They Just Quit?“,
discusses Step 7, (Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings) this week on Recovery Now!…

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