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They all come in asking “Why don’t they just quit?”

January 21, 2010 in Feedback from You by jherzanek | No comments

A recent comment from LA counselor Deborah Taft Webb (used with permission)

I have both the book and DVD (Why Don’t They Just Quit?) and use them with patients. They are great.

In my last 20 years of counseling and program directing, I have learned that working with the family is a MUST. In fact, they are more at risk to die from their loved ones illness than their addict.

Stress symptoms caused by co-dependency—strokes, heart attacks, cancers, etc. . . are more severe than the addicts disease in a lot of cases. Also, co-dependents loose the joy of living a life of serenity and if not helped, will have consequences in every aspect of their lives.

And of course, they don’t know what to do when their addict gets well. In every program I have developed, the family (with adults) and the parents (with the adolescents) spend almost as much time at the facility as the addicts.

It is a family disease. And they all come in asking “Why don’t they just quit?”

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Ask Joe:

My 50-year-old daughter will not admit she is drinking. She has lost her job, her drivers license–and her husband will soon be getting a divorce (he drinks). He is afraid he will lose his half of the house so he hasn’t left, and he does drive her places.

Your book has been a godsend. I have a guideline. I no longer say hurtful things to her. My problem is I cannot be honest with her or she hangs up the phone on me. She goes to AA meetings, comes home and gets drunk. She then calls me and I just don’t know how to deal with her and be honest. Please help me.
–Angela B.

Dear Angela,
What a sad story. There is not a lot that you can do, especially considering her age. If she is difficult to talk to, you may try writing her a letter (you could share your concerns and frustration and not have someone shouting at you while your doing it).

The good news is that it’s not too late. She can quit and begin a new life if she wants to badly enough.

If it were me I would let her know, in no uncertain terms, that you have had all you can take. I would tell her that you do not want to see her or talk to her again until she has at least 60 days of complete sobriety. If she is going to AA she knows what to do and there is plenty of help available to her from the other members.

You do not deserve to be going through the hell that she is putting you through. She is not a teenager she is FIFTY YEARS OLD.

Detachment and a firm dose of tough love are her only hope. You can do this.

If not now–when? How much more time do you (and she) want to waste?

Grace and peace,
–Joe

January 11, 2010 by jherzanek | 1 comment


So. . . why don’t they just quit?

Some recent posts from “Dad on Fire” blog:

ORIGINAL POST:
Rewiring the brain against addiction is an idea that holds the key to the answer. Having known suffering drug addicts, its safe to say that “just quitting” is not an answer. The Depression that goes along with addiction, often predicating the need for drugs to begin with is a key area of study. Dual Demons! as it called, continually feeds into the reality of repeated relapse. Addiction is a disease that requires the equivalent focus in dollars and effort of the drug war itself. Once we get big Insurance and big Pharma to play the game of real recovery we can start poking holes in the sails of drug trade. De-criminalizing addiction would cripple illegal drug trade. Imagine a world of compassion, recovery and freedom from addiction.

Joe Herzanek:
Maybe they don’t quit because it’s hard to quit and people don’t like to do things that are hard or challenging. And why bother anyway as long as someone else will come along behind and clean up the mess. Can they quit is a better question and the answer is yes. Sure they need help and no one does it alone but that help will start to come out of the woodwork once they reach out for it, once they swallow their pride. The role of the concerned person or family member is to help them want to, not to look at them as victims. How about imagining a little tough love.

dadonfire
I am with you on the tough love. If it were not for tough love, some addicts wouldn’t get any love at all. So what do you do with the constant stream of 8 million or drug addicts that seem to stay “hooked” and that are dragging themselves down and everything they touch “lock them up in forced rehab” what do you think of the impact of dual diagnosis, the impact of hard drugs on brain chemistry, the costs to our communities, etc. . . looking for solutions, answers, ideas, stuff to post.

Joe Herzanek
I think we have made this much more complicated than it needs to be. Treatment is a great place to begin the journey. Once the person leaves they must follow-up with a support group that meets every day. I do not know of any group that even comes close to the AA 12 Step model. I don’t care if they WANT TO GO or not. The sick person is not in a position to create his or her own treatment program. If my son or daughter were in trouble this is what I would tell them to do. If they don’t like it at first that’s too bad. Imagine a diabetic telling his doctor he just doesn’t want to take insulin. I’ve been in the field for over thirty years and all I’m suggesting is what I have personally seen work the vast majority of the time (like over 90%).

Co-occurring disorders will often take care of themselves after the person stops poisoning his/her brain. It will take at least a few weeks or maybe many months. Too many people want things fixed NOW–so they listen to some “psych” tell them about a special drug and they start to play a chemistry game with the brain. In some cases these meds do make a big difference but they are way over-prescribed. Nothing will ever take the place of talk therapy–nothing. So let’s try a big dose of that first. I have heard more than a few psychiatrists say that many of these drugs often only make things worse. Adding more and more meds should be a last resort.

So how do we stop the ever growing number of people from coming into addiction? In my humble opinion you need to start when they are young, as in small children. Kids spell love T-I-M-E. The more time we invest in our children early in life will make a huge difference. This is by no means a guarantee but it is something we have been lacking in our culture for quite a while. Single-parent homes and absentee parents who pop in on their weekends for some “quality time” ain’t working. One of the best books I have ever read on this issue is Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline. Also, Before it’s too late, by Stanton Samenow.

So what about the 20-something or 30-something or 40-something person who is already in big trouble (or the adolescent, for that matter). What do we do for them? Empathy and a mixture of tough love is what seems to be most effective.

Concerned loved ones and family members need to not only read about what works best but then also start doing what’s best. No more enabling the insanity to continue.
Regards, Joe

November 14, 2009 by jherzanek | 1 comment

ASK JOE

Q:
Dear Joe:
My son went to rehab for 30 days and just got out of jail (45 days). He is back living with my husband and me. My husband calls him constantly during the day to see what he is doing, He averages at least once an hour. When my son gets ready to go out for a walk or a bike ride, my husband right away is on him with 20 questions.

Am I wrong to think that all the questions and constantly checking on my son is pushing him back into trouble? When my son went to jail, he had a fight with his dad and ended up getting caught doing drugs. He ended up getting arrested and we did leave him there for the 45 days (His drug of choice is heroin). I feel that my husband needs to back off or my son will be back to the drugs. How are we supposed to treat our son?

I have read your book and really learned a lot from it. I even passed it along to a friend of mine that was going through her son’s problem with Vicodin and alcohol.

Walking on eggshells in Illinois,

~ Julie E., Chicago, Ill

A:
Dear Julie,

I agree, your husband is putting undue pressure on your son right now. Showing some concern and wanting to encourage is a good thing.

Being suspicious of his every move will only make things worse. It sounds like you’re already doing many things right especially letting him sit in jail. Your son going through thirty days of treatment was also a plus.

The next stage of recovery is ongoing support. Is he going to some kind of group that talks about staying away from drugs and alcohol? AA or NA are the two obvious places to go. NO ONE recovers all by themselves. Going to meetings, working the 12 Steps, and getting a sponsor are the most important three signs of a willingness to do whatever it takes. If he will do this he will succeed.

They talked a lot about this when he was in treatment. If they didn’t I would be very surprised.

I would tell dad to back off some. If your son wants to use dad can’t stop it anyway.

Keep in mind that recovery is a process. I don’t know your sons age but if he is in his late teens or early twenties then he is still an adolescent in some ways.

Be sure to take care of yourself while dealing with all the above. Al-anon is something to consider, or even some “open” AA meetings. Ask his treatment center for guidance as well. There are resources available.

With effort and time this can all pass and life can be much more enjoyable again. Sometimes it’s a matter of just getting them from here to there.

People can and do recover all the time. Your son is no exception. If he wants change bad enough he will make it happen.

Best regards,
~ Chaplain Joe
Boulder County Jail

October 30, 2009 by jherzanek | No comments

Someone asked us this recently after their son told them that they really should go to Alanon. Thoughts????

September 30, 2009 by jherzanek | No comments

Q
Hi Joe:
I purchased your book in Jan. I read it from front to back several times for more than one reason. It was so full of information I wanted to make sure I absorbed it all.

My 20 year old son has just entered rehab for the 3rd time. We have tried to send him to the best places and so far have spent $30,000.00. He is addicted to Oxycontin. I had so much hope the first few times and now I am starting to realize what a stronghold this drug has on him. I am worried that he may never recover.

I am also feeling so much guilt and keep looking back to try and figure out what I could have done differently when he was growing up. I’m constantly convincing myself that if we had only been more firm with him, had more rules, if I hadn’t been a working mom and put him in so many daycares, things would have ended up differently. I know that I’m just trying to find a way to ease my pain and guilt. Do you have any suggestions?

–Guilt-ridden in Minneapolis

A
Sorry to hear about your son. I’ll get right to the point. He doesn’t need another rehab to go to; he can completely stop using pain meds if he wants to–and you didn’t cause his addiction.

His age is a big issue. Most treatment places won’t even take him because he’s an adolescent. They have learned over the years that the success rate for treating adolescents is abysmal. He needs to feel the pain and consequences of his use.

I would use the tough love approach if it were me. Foster Kline’s book, “Parenting Teens with Love and Logic” is a book you should also read.

If the “want to” is there, your son will be able to quit. Your job is to make it crystal clear to him that you love him and will help him on the journey to recovery. And you will not do anything that keeps him from growing up and becoming a mature adult.

This is a process that will take some time but needs to begin now! The longer you wait the harder it will become. He will fight this in the beginning, that’s just the way it is. “Do you love your son enough to let him be mad at you?” I hope you do because that too is part of the process.

Seek some wise counsel for yourself as well.

Best regards,
Joe

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June 11, 2009 by jherzanek | 2 comments