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Detachment. How Can I?
by Joe Herzanek
When life becomes one crisis after another, when emotional pain and endless drama become “the norm” what am I supposed to do? Over the past few decades I’ve received this question a lot. Recently it has become the #1 question. Why is that? What do I suggest to families who have arrived at this place? How about this: My suggestion is to do NOTHING! Stop “doing.” Quit “doing.” No longer “DO” anything.
Let’s talk about letting go and what that looks like (sometimes referred to as detachment). So there—I’ve said it; The “D” word, The Ultimatum, The Nuclear Option.
When to use it
Let’s start with “when to use it.” Detachment is usually the last resort—although it doesn’t have to be. This is most effective in the life of an “adult” loved-one who has demonstrated that they no longer have any ability to control or stop substance use on their own.
This person has a boatload of extremely negative consequences piling up all around them, but they continue to drink and/or drug. Often this pattern has gone on for years and gets progressively worse. Perhaps there were a few “okay” periods of time, but they didn’t last.
Sooner or later everyone sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
This person may or may not have a job (approximately 77% of all substance dependent men and women get up and go to work most days). They may function well enough on the job to be able to keep it. Many will even point to this fact as proof that they are not addicted. In reality most perform poorly on the job, miss work, and generally have a negative attitude about almost everything. This in turn, leads to “pour me another drink.”
Others move from job to job and eventually become unemployable. Some will tend to isolate and spend most or all of their time with their first love, AOD (alcohol and other drugs).
Family life, parenting, being the father, mother, spouse or sibling they once were is no longer a priority. In fact, it’s probably not on the radar screen at all. Borrowing money, promising to quit, burning bridges, causing heartache to anyone who comes close to them is the “new norm.” When small children become part of this picture it gets more ugly. This is not sad; this is pathetic. If not now—when? When do the family members say, “We’ve had enough?”
This, dear reader, is the time to detach. This is the time to “do nothing.”
I also like to remind people of “The Three C’s of Al-Anon” which are: “you didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it, and you can’t control it.” What you can do is help the person to “want to” quit. If the “want to” is there, anyone can have recovery.
What does detachment look like? How do I do it?
Before I explain how it works, I need to add one caveat. I was recently in San Antonio conducting a workshop for The Palmer Drug Abuse Program (PDAP). The Program Director of this wonderful facility, a woman named Trish, reminded me of something important I sometimes tend to overlook. She said the family needs to be totally prepared for this step (intellectually and emotionally) and that for this to be effective, all family members need to be “on board.” Having emotional support and guidance regarding the necessity for such action, what to expect and being prepared is critical to the success of this step. This is not going to be a “walk in the park” and having good support is crucial.
So, how does one begin to do this? My first suggestion is to get a pen and paper and write out a plan (there is much more about this in my “Ten Toughest Questions” DVD and the link provided at the end of this article**).
Everyone’s situation will be unique, and obviously I can’t tackle each one here. Having said that, I suggest, at a minimum, that you jot down some bullet points you want to cover when you share your concerns with your loved-one. Even writing out what you want to say, word for word, is perfectly fine. Anticipate what the person will say or object to beforehand. Keep in mind that detachment is rarely forever. In fact, when you confront the person you have decided to detach from, put a timeframe on it (let them know how long it’ll be till you are willing to regain communication). Once you have reached this point, you need to remember that it’s too late for another broken promise or a few days of abstinence to mean anything.
So, here we go. You’ve prepared—both mentally, and you have a plan on paper–and you are ready to have a firm, but loving discussion with this person. A time to confront/talk with the person has been set and agreed to. You’ve asked this person to let you share your concerns and you simply read what you want to say or speak to them based on your written bullet points.
My suggestion is to determine a minimum period of total abstinence you are requiring from your addict or alcoholic—before you are willing talk to or see them again (thirty or sixty days should be the minimum). Begin by emphasizing to them that you love them very much and that it breaks your heart to see them continue with their substance abuse. Let them know that you (and all family members involved) have made this decision. You can list possible living options for them on their copy of your letter. Tell he or she–that they must decide which relationship is the most important—the one they currently have with their alcohol or drug use, or their own family. You must make it crystal clear that they have to choose–because they can’t have both.
There is so much more I could write on this topic—especially when I think of all the different scenarios possible. Please do your homework before attempting this, seek wise counsel*, read all you can and get a second opinion.
When it’s all “said and done” this tough love approach often works when nothing else will. Addiction, left alone will only get worse over time. What I remind people about in my book and in counseling is that “recovery is a process—not en event.”
This is why I sometimes suggest that you “do nothing.” The phrase “let go and let God” applies to the family members and friends–as well as the person seeking recovery. Detachment is one of the most difficult things that a person (especially a mom) may ever need to do.
Stay strong, seek support and know with confidence that no matter what happens—you have “done” everything you know to do.
* To learn more about individual counseling with Joe Herzanek (in person or by phone) click here.
** Detachment–Letting Go of Someone Else’s Problem
Tags: AA, AA humor, addiction, addiction help, addiction recovery, Al-Anon, Al-Anon literature, alanon, alanon steps, alcohol addiction help, changing lives foundation, consequences, detachment, just quit, parenting adolescents, parenting an addict, Parenting Teens, Relapse, Sobriety, The Nuclear Option, The Ultimatum, Why Don’t they Just Quit
This short article explains one of the most important (and one of our favorite) concepts. Dr. James Fay (Parenting Teens With Love and Logic) illustrates the simple approach–of showing empathy while remaining strong.
EMPATHY!
Consequences delivered with empathy create responsibility.
Consequences delivered without empathy create resentment.
So we have a choice: Will we raise responsible kids…or resentful ones?
Will we end up in a nice nursing home or a nasty one?
Understanding why empathy is the most important skill is simple. Empathy preserves the relationship and makes it very hard for our kids to blame us for their poor decisions.
Really using sincere empathy…on a consistent basis…is the hard part!
We’ve spent over two decades studying people who’ve been successful with this. What do they have in common? They use just one empathetic statement…regardless of what consequence they must provide.
That’s right. They keep it simple!
They also pick one that fits their personality and culture. Some folks always precede consequences with, “That is so sad.” Others prefer, “Oh, man…”
Some parents say, “What a bummer.” Others prefer, “Bless your heart.”
Tape this note on your bathroom mirror as a reminder.
Thanks for reading!
Dr. Charles Fay
Originally Published 7/15/09
©2009 Jim Fay, Charles Fay, Ph.D., and Love and Logic® Institute. All copyright infringement laws apply. Permission granted for photocopy reproduction and forwarding. Please do not alter or modify contents. For more information, call the Love and Logic® Institute, Inc. at (800) 338-4065 or www.loveandlogic.com
Tags: AA, AA humor, addiction, addiction help, addiction recovery, Al-Anon, Al-Anon literature, alanon, alanon steps, alcohol addiction help, changing lives foundation, consequences, Dr. Charles Fay, Empathy, just quit, Love and Logic, parenting adolescents, parenting an addict, Parenting Teens, Relapse, Sobriety, Why Don’t they Just Quit
Your Local Mission Dollars at Work
Joe Herzanek founder of Changing Lives Foundation
by Russ Teets
Editor’s note: This is the fourth in a series of articles describing the people and agencies in and around Boulder that First Pres supports through Local Missions.
First Pres’ relationship with Joe Herzanek started in 1999 when Local Missions began supporting him as the Chaplain at the Boulder County Jail. In that role, Joe leads Bible studies, Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Narcotics Anonymous (NA) meetings in the jail, provides Bibles, conducts one-on-one Christian Studies and substance abuse counseling—along with coordinating all religious volunteer activities.
In his role as Addictions Counselor at the jail, Joe spends time counseling inmates and advising their family members and others in the community on effective ways to negotiate the often complex “world of addiction and recovery.” Approximately 90% of all inmates have an alcohol or drug problem. He often gets calls from family members asking for advice on what they can do to help the person quit.
Joe’s personal struggles earlier in life were preparation for working with offenders who also have addiction problems. From age 13 to 29, Joe battled his own drug and alcohol problem—finally receiving treatment. He now has over 30 years of abstinence from substances. Joe has a real passion for helping people caught up in substance abuse and also their family and friends. He is the founder of Changing Lives Foundation and author of the book Why Don’t They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery which won the Best Self-Help Book award in 2008.
Changing Lives Foundation is committed to bringing to the public clear and concise information on substance abuse, drug addiction, alcoholism and compulsive behaviors. Perhaps more importantly, they focus on how individuals and families recover from these problems. Although it is very challenging, many people recover and make dramatic changes in their lives.
In addition to the book Why Don’t They Just Quit? Joe has a number of other resources to help families:
• a DVD titled The 10 Toughest Questions, which seem to come up again and again during the counseling he does. These include such topics as: “How can I tell if a person is addicted or just a heavy user? How do I confront this person? How do I handle adolescent use and abuse? How do I show my love without enabling? How do I get my life back?”
• a wealth of resources on the website www.ChangingLivesFoundation.org
• seminars for the public, like the one he held at First Pres last April.
• radio shows
• family counseling.
Joe specializes in “crisis counseling” for those situations that seem hopeless or impossible. He’s especially gifted at helping families find their way “out” and partnering with them to formulate a plan. This counseling can be in person or by phone.
Joe is a quiet, calm man with a deep faith in Jesus Christ—important attributes for dealing with crisis situations. According to Keith Vandergrift, Missions Pastor at First Pres: “Joe strikes a fine balance—demonstrating religious values in his approach to recovery, but avoiding a preachy or pushy posture. He makes it clear he is a Christian, but speaks in a way that is comfortable to anyone who wants to learn more about how to help others in their struggle. That’s not an easy thing to do and Joe pulls it off as well as anyone I’ve seen.”
Joe’s wife Judy works behind the scenes. As the Director of Creative Development and Marketing for Changing Lives Foundation she manages all communications, graphic design, marketing, customer service, order fulfillment and creative implementation of content for printed and online resources, publicity and presentations.
Joe and Judy have three children—and are fairly new “empty-nesters.” They enjoy living in Colorado, playing with their two Cairn Terriers Lewis and Clark (yes, just like Toto), camping, and most of all—hiking above treeline in the beautiful Rocky Mountains.
For more information on recovery or for Crisis Counseling see the Changing Lives website, contact Joe at 303.775.6493 or email: jherzanek@gmail.com.
CLICK HERE to view a wonderful video of all the missions First Pres supports.
Tags: AA, addict, addiction, addiction help, addiction recovery, addictions help, addicts help, Al-Anon, Al-Anon San Antonio, alanon, alanon group, alanon help, alanon steps, alcohol addiction help, alcohol help, allanon, Baptist Health Foundation of San Antonio, Boulder County Jail, changing lives foundation, Christian Counseling, Crisis counseling, drug help, drug use help, First Pres. Boulder, First Pres. Church, help an addict, help for addiction, help for family of addicts, how to beat addiction, how to help a drug addict, Joe Herzanek, just quit, Missionaries, NA, recovery, Why Don’t they Just Quit, whydonttheyjustquit
Changing Lives would like to extend a big “Thanks” to the wonderful people of San Antonio and especially for the support and hospitality of those who sponsored this event: Palmer Drug Abuse Program (PDAP), San Antonio Fighting Back and the Baptist Health Foundation of San Antonio.
The two-hour workshop was very well attended (standing room only, with over 140 attendees). Joe and a volunteer did some role playing, there was plenty of good food, interaction, laughter and applause . . . and we had an emotional ending (see below).
For details on sponsoring a workshop at your
church or organization
email us at: jherzanek@gmail.com
or
call Joe at (303)775.6493
Tags: AA, addict, addiction, addiction help, addiction recovery, addictions help, addicts help, Al-Anon, Al-Anon San Antonio, alanon, alanon group, alanon help, alanon steps, alcohol addiction help, alcohol help, allanon, Baptist Health Foundation of San Antonio, changing lives foundation, drug help, drug use help, help an addict, help for addiction, help for family of addicts, how to beat addiction, how to help a drug addict, Joe Herzanek, just quit, Palmer Drug Abuse Program, PDAP, recovery, SAFB, San Antonio Fighting Back, Why Don't they Just Quit, whydonttheyjustquit
Click here to watch
This clip is excerpted from the new DVD
The 10 Toughest Questions
Families and Friends Ask About Addiction and Recovery
What if they just CAN’T quit?
Learn the truth to this often misunderstood notion that some people “just can’t quit.” Author/Addiction Counselor Joe Herzanek answers this and much more in the book “Why Don’t They Just Quit?”
September 3, 2010 by jherzanek |
Coping With Family Tragedies
By Chase Block
Chase Block is the 15-year-old author of the new book, Chasing Happiness: One Boy’s Guide to Helping Other Kids Cope with Divorce, Parental Addictions and Death.
(Read more about Chase at the end of this article)
I was a 13-year-old kid growing up in Jacksonville, Florida, when I decided I wanted to help other kids whose parents were divorcing. My own folks split when I was 6, and then had other relationships, marriages and divorces. I felt I could help my friends learn what to expect when they were facing similar family shifts.
I decided to write a book of practical tips and advice to share, from a kid’s point of view, how to survive divorce. The day before I actually began working with an editor on the book, my mom killed herself.
My beautiful, wonderful mom, who was dearly loved by everyone, lost her decades-long battle with mental illness, an addiction to pills, and alcoholism. She took her own life eight years after she and my dad split up. I was shocked and confused – but I didn’t want to forget the book. As horrible as I felt, I knew other kids would go through this stuff too, and maybe my story could help them.
It wasn’t easy to talk about everything I was going through. Now that my book, Chasing Happiness: One Boy’s Guide to Helping Other Kids Cope with Divorce, Parental Addictions and Death, is out, I’m hearing from people, like parents and teachers, who are so glad other kids can check it out.
I talk about the shock of Mom’s suicide, my grief and guilt, and my own suicidal thoughts. The biggest thing I learned, both from my parents’ divorce and my mom’s death, is that you can’t do it alone. Family, friends, teachers, therapists, hobbies — all have their place in helping kids work through the tough spots.
By the age of 14, I had gone through challenges that people twice my age couldn’t imagine. I hope my book can help kids dealing with their parents’ divorce, suicide, or any personal tragedy. My message isn’t, “Look at how horrible this is,” but, “Here’s what I learned, and how I learned it. I want to share this information with you.”
I also hope to let people know we’re pretty smart.
We kids know a lot more than adults give us credit for. We usually already know the stuff you try to hide from us. Just ask us! We really appreciate straight talk, and not just pretending that what’s happening right in front of us isn’t there.
For all the kids out there reading this, I hope you never have to go through really hard times. But, if you do, please know you’re not alone — you can make it through, and you can make a difference.
As for adults, after you read this, I hope you’ll never ignore our emotions, or think we don’t feel things as deeply as grownups because we’re not acting the way you think an upset or depressed person should. Don’t confuse ‘young’ with ‘clueless.’ We’re more intelligent, worldly, stressed out, and plugged in than you guys were at our age. We need your help, and we also need your respect.
——————————————————————————————————————————-
Chase Block is the 15-year-old author of the new book, Chasing Happiness: One Boy’s Guide to Helping Other Kids Cope with Divorce, Parental Addictions and Death. Chase’s parents divorced when he was 5. He wanted to help other kids understand what to expect when parents split, so he started outlining the information he wanted to share. The day before he began writing his book, Chase’s popular mom committed suicide, shocking and devastating the community. Instead of shelving the book project, Chase felt renewed urgency to share his personal journey from devastation to hope in order to help others dealing with similar tragic situations. Chase is considering a career in politics, and lives in Jacksonville with his dad and brother. To learn more, visit http://www.chasinghappinessbook.com or http://www.chaseblockbook.com.
Tags: addiction, Al-Anon, alcohol addiction help, alcoholic help, changing lives foundation, Chase Block, Chasing Happiness, Coping With Family Tragedies, Family Tragedies, help for family of addicts, Why Don't they Just Quit
Today’s post from Charlie!
“Years ago I kept praying for a great big house, and a fishing lake. In 1991 God gave me a 3 story recovery house in the Ghetto, with a lake where they sometimes found dumped bodies from the night before.. SOBRIETY IS A HOOT…. AND THAT’S THE TRUTH…”
Tags: AA, AA humor, addiction, addiction help, addiction recovery, Al-Anon, Al-Anon literature, alanon, alanon steps, alcohol addiction help, changing lives foundation, Charlie Vaughn, just quit, Why Don't they Just Quit
Some GREAT news from our friend Janis P.
Please share in her happiness and comment if you like!
(Painting by Janis P.)
Tags: AA, addict, addiction, addiction books, addictions help, Al-Anon, alanon, alcohol addiction help, allanon, changing lives foundation, drug use help, help an addict, help for addiction, Joe Herzanek, just quit, recovery, Why Don’t they Just Quit
Providing families in need
with over 30 years of real-life,
hands-on experience and success.
Do you long to sleep through the night? Do you wonder if you are doing the “right thing”? Do you wish you could make them stop their addiction? Does your life seem out of control? Have you had enough drama to last a lifetime?
Your situation may be unique, but it’s not hopeless.
We specialize in those tough, crisis “seemingly impossible” situations.
There IS a solution. Together we can formulate a plan to restore sanity to your life — saving you and your family time, money, stress and unnecessary heartache.
Personalized consultations
with author/addiction counselor Joe Herzanek.
Specialized to your unique situation.
(in person or by phone)
Call: (303) 775.6493
or
Email: jherzanek@gmail.com
to learn more about a personal consultation
with Author/Addiction Professional Joe Herzanek, CAP
Read more
We understand there are times when life seems so out of control and hopeless–you just can’t bring yourself to sit down and find answers from a book or DVD.
In order to effectively come alongside and partner with you to make changes you can live with, we offer one-on-one consulting. While most of Joe’s consulting is done over the phone, he also provides on-site consulting services.
You and your family will work with Joe to formulate a plan which will begin to restore sanity to your life–saving time, money, stress and unnecessary heartache.
Begin taking the steps your family needs to end the chaos and receive specific guidance for your unique circumstances.
Joe will walk you through the steps you need to take, giving you knowledge, support and confidence to “do what needs to be done – every step of the way.” You can get through this.
Gain peace of mind, knowing that you are taking the steps necessary to begin healing and recovery–for your loved-one and your family.
Call: (303) 775.6493
or
Email: jherzanek@gmail.com
to learn more about personal consultation
with Author/Addiction Professional Joe Herzanek, CAP
Read more
Tags: AA, addict, addiction, addiction books, addictions help, Al-Anon, alanon, alcohol addiction help, changing lives foundation, drug use help, help an addict, just quit, recovery, Why Don’t they Just Quit
We met up with Eminem in a VIP lounge, and he talked about his new album, “Recovery” – which hits stores next Monday – and also really opened up about the trials he’s faced over the past several years.
This latest disc, he said, reflects a healthier place in his life.
“Recovery feels better than ever,” the Detroit rapper said. “Feels like I’m me again.”
But it wasn’t easy facing his drug addiction demons. Read more. . .
READ MORE INFO ABOUT STEP ONE:
“We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol
and that our lives had become unmanageable.”
~Step One, AA 12-Steps
Tags: 12 Step, AA Steps, addict, addicted, addicted teen, addiction recovery, addictions help, Al-Anon, alanon, alanon meeting, Alanon Step One, alanon steps, Author Joe Herzanek, changing lives foundation, drug addiction, drug dependence, drug help, drug use help, Eminem, Eminem Recovery, help for addiction, help for addicts, help for drug, help for family of addicts, hitting bottom, how to alcoholic, how to help a drug addict, how to help an addict, quit drugs, Step One, Why Don't they Just Quit, why dont they quit
Thanks to Jamie Alessandrine/There is Always Hope! for this.
One day at a time – this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone. . .
–Ida Scott Taylor
It’s not always easy to understand that the day stretching before us is all that counts. Daydreaming about the party last week, or getting upset all over again about a fight we had yesterday with a friend doesn’t help us right now. When our minds are on the past, we miss out on the conversation or the activity that is going on around us.
Every moment of the day is special and guaranteed to help us grow and understand life. All of us have been taught to pay attention in school or when others talk to us. But we should also pay attention to the birds, the sky, even the grass. And we can learn a lot by paying attention to the conversations going on around us and to the small voice inside us that helps us know right from wrong.
What’s going on today is enough to pay attention to.
Tags: AA, addict, addiction, addiction books, addictions help, Al-Anon, alanon, alcohol addiction help, changing lives foundation, drug use help, help an addict, just quit, recovery, Why Don't they Just Quit
Ask Joe:
Q. Why is addiction called an “insidious” disease?
A. Because it is.
Insidious: working or spreading harmfully in a subtle or stealthy
manner. awaiting a chance to entrap; treacherous. harmful but enticing.
Developing so gradually as to be well established before becoming
apparent. —Webster’s Dictionary
“Insidious” means to spread harm in a subtle manner; to entrap in a seductive way. Addicts or alcoholics may be the last ones to realize their dependence problem. The drug works in a seductive manner and its victim often doesn’t realize what has happened until it’s too late—a housewife realizes that she needs a glass of wine to keep her hands from trembling; a college student realizes that he drove home the previous night but can’t remember doing so; a businessman finds that he needs to have multiple drinks throughout the day to maintain his façade.
At this stage, the addict is often living in denial, trying to prove to himself and the world that he is in control. No one likes to admit that they have been tricked. This is exactly what the drug is able to do. For the user, it is as though their best friend has betrayed them. Because of this slow and gradual process, most addicts aren’t aware of what is happening to them and don’t understand the changes taking place in their bodies and minds.
When a user’s brain ceases to function normally, he is no longer able to see clearly. People in recovery will often look back and say that it was as if their brain had been hijacked. This is why intervention is so important.
Excerpted from the revised/updated edition of: Why Don’t They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery
Part 5: Q&A with Joe
January 31, 2010 by jherzanek |
We’ve been emailing a wonderful–and very wise woman who just celebrated 9 years of sobriety! She goes by the name of “DC13″ and with permission we share some of her recent thoughts.
It’s the little details in life that we sometimes take for granted that really end up meaning the most especially when they are taken away from us. The wonderful thing is that recovery does happen and lives are changed. Read on. . .
I went to jail 9 years ago yesterday (11th) so today…November 12, 2009…is my 9 year clean date……and let’s just say it’s been quite a roller coaster ride! I personally don’t call where I am as recovered or in recovery….addiction is part of what I am….my sister is diabetic, so she has things that she has to do every single day to make sure that she stays safe and stays alive…..same thing with me…just a different disease ya know. AA is great; as well as NA….personally I think a 12 Step program is very important because it makes you actually work out what makes you tick….but all any of these are is for support…they give the tools to learn to build a “new house” …..but it’s totally up to each person if they choose to build a mansion…..or haphazardly piece together a shack that will blow over with the first spit of wind.
‘Why don’t you just quit?’ was a regular question around my life for about 20 years….I get to put my kids to bed at night now….and know that I’ll get to do again tomorrow… I will never take for granted what my youngest boys hair smells like fresh out of the shower and p.j.’d up and ready for bed at night…those little things make bad days easier.
God…..I know what kind of places and circumstances I put myself in….for me it wasn’t A.A. but it was a 12 step program….helped me learn to help myself…..and introduced me to other people that would be less likely to believe my crap and would help to call me on it when I started spouting it…..accountability is an absolute necessity!
Cure…..don’t believe it…don’t buy it….never heard of it…..had to learn to live in spite of the disease that I have……not let the disease live in spite of me…..I am and will always be an addict…..if I ever for one minute forget that, or become complacent about that or I will once again fall. I work very hard every day to not let that happen….and for 9 years now I have not let my disease be the boss.
But that’s just me.
Thanks DC13!
Tags: 12-Step Groups, AA, AA Wisdom, Addicted Moms, addicted women, addiction recovery, alanon, changing lives foundation, children of addicts, children of alcoholics, quit alcohol, quit drugs, Recovery in prison, recovery wisdom, Why Don't they Just Quit, women addicts, women in recovery
ASK JOE
Q:
Dear Joe:
My son went to rehab for 30 days and just got out of jail (45 days). He is back living with my husband and me. My husband calls him constantly during the day to see what he is doing, He averages at least once an hour. When my son gets ready to go out for a walk or a bike ride, my husband right away is on him with 20 questions.
Am I wrong to think that all the questions and constantly checking on my son is pushing him back into trouble? When my son went to jail, he had a fight with his dad and ended up getting caught doing drugs. He ended up getting arrested and we did leave him there for the 45 days (His drug of choice is heroin). I feel that my husband needs to back off or my son will be back to the drugs. How are we supposed to treat our son?
I have read your book and really learned a lot from it. I even passed it along to a friend of mine that was going through her son’s problem with Vicodin and alcohol.
Walking on eggshells in Illinois,
~ Julie E., Chicago, Ill
A:
Dear Julie,
I agree, your husband is putting undue pressure on your son right now. Showing some concern and wanting to encourage is a good thing.
Being suspicious of his every move will only make things worse. It sounds like you’re already doing many things right especially letting him sit in jail. Your son going through thirty days of treatment was also a plus.
The next stage of recovery is ongoing support. Is he going to some kind of group that talks about staying away from drugs and alcohol? AA or NA are the two obvious places to go. NO ONE recovers all by themselves. Going to meetings, working the 12 Steps, and getting a sponsor are the most important three signs of a willingness to do whatever it takes. If he will do this he will succeed.
They talked a lot about this when he was in treatment. If they didn’t I would be very surprised.
I would tell dad to back off some. If your son wants to use dad can’t stop it anyway.
Keep in mind that recovery is a process. I don’t know your sons age but if he is in his late teens or early twenties then he is still an adolescent in some ways.
Be sure to take care of yourself while dealing with all the above. Al-anon is something to consider, or even some “open” AA meetings. Ask his treatment center for guidance as well. There are resources available.
With effort and time this can all pass and life can be much more enjoyable again. Sometimes it’s a matter of just getting them from here to there.
People can and do recover all the time. Your son is no exception. If he wants change bad enough he will make it happen.
Best regards,
~ Chaplain Joe
Boulder County Jail
October 30, 2009 by jherzanek |
The Parable of the Prodigal Son
While he was still a long way off,
his father saw him coming.
Filled with compassion
the father ran to the son,
threw his arms around him and said,
“Welcome home.”
His son had come to his senses.
Let’s have a party!
His brother refused to come to the party
even after his father pleaded with him
to join them.
“I’ve stayed here all these years
and never caused a problem.
No one ever had a party for me,”
said the brother.
–paraphrased from the Gospel of Luke
Siblings often find themselves caught in the middle of the recovery process. In the story of the prodigal son, a father waits and watches expectantly for the return of his wayward child. The boy left home and not only squandered his inheritance, but also wasted a big chunk of his life. But there is so much more to the story. As we take a closer look at the entire family, we see that “the rest of the story” can apply to families and siblings today who are struggling with the early stages of recovery.
I know from firsthand experience how siblings can suffer. During my addiction, I was blind to how my actions were affecting my brother and two sisters. Actually, the entire family did not understand what was happening. Even now, more than thirty years later, some members of my family remain bitter, and we have never been able to resolve those hard feelings.
There is only so much time in any given day and when there is one high-maintenance family member, often the other children are neglected. Parents have a limited amount of energy for each day, and then they reach a point of exhaustion. In my case, which again is not unique, I received more than my share of attention. I, like many other addicts, was a very needy person. My life was one crisis after another. There were many occasions when I needed money. I drained my parents of their finances as well as their time and energy. Who suffered? At the time, it was far from obvious, but as I look back it is clear that my brother and sisters–basically good, low-maintenance kids were the innocent victims.
Mom and Dad spent a lot of their parenting energy either helping me with a problem or worried about what I might do next; they were even afraid to answer the phone. They couldn’t be in two places at once, physically or mentally. As a result, my siblings did not receive nearly the amount of attention they deserved. My parents missed their school programs and sports games because of my problems, and holidays were often ruined. Much of the focus was on Joe, and I was messing up my life while my brother and sisters were left striving to do the right thing and gain my parents’ approval and attention.
To make matters worse, my parents’ attention continued to be focused on me for a long time into my recovery. My siblings had to hear over and over, Isn’t it great that Joe’s quit using drugs? How wonderful that Joe is clean and sober. Joe has been drug-free for a year now “let’s celebrate!” These sort of comments continued, even after everything should have been back to normal. Talk about rubbing psychological salt in a wound; my brother and sisters must have been ready to puke. At that time, none of us had a clue how this would ultimately affect our future relationships.
Insidious: working or spreading harmfully in a subtle or stealthy manner. awaiting a chance to entrap; treacherous. harmful but enticing. Developing so gradually as to be well established before becoming apparent. (Webster’s Dictionary)
It was only after years of recovery and study on this topic that this realization came to me. Because of this disease’s slow progression, few families are aware of the effect addiction has on the family as a whole. Few addicts think of making amends toward those who did not appear to be directly affected.
When I entered treatment many years ago, there was not much emphasis placed on the importance of family in the recovery process. Today, this is a key component in most treatment programs. Parents and siblings are strongly encouraged to be part of the process. Some centers will even offer what is called Family Week. This is a time for those who have been negatively affected to become involved in the recovery process. Many times family members will refuse to get involved: “He/she had the problem, not me. And now you are asking me to get counseling? You must be crazy.” Nonetheless, I strongly suggest that family members attend some meetings–if for no other reason than to vent frustration. It will be worth it.
Addiction is treacherous for the whole family. Over time, relationships can become a tangled web. Feelings get hurt and bitterness creeps in, almost unnoticed. Strife begins to build, and after a while no one remembers why. But life is too short to waste years like this. Miracles can happen when a professional helps untangle the mess.
Time has yet to heal some of the wounds in my family. The impact of my addiction and recovery has left deep scars, and damaged relationships among my immediate family that we are still attempting to understand and mend. Despite our attempts to keep things simple, life can sometimes become very complicated. Over the years, my siblings have married. Bitterness and unresolved strife have colored relationships not only among my siblings, but among our spouses and children as well. Recovery and the process of making amends to those who were hurt takes a while. Sometimes these differences may never be resolved.
Quitting, as wonderful as that may be, is not the same as recovering. Recovery means taking responsibility for the broken relationships that occurred when the addict was using. Repairing broken relationships is critical to the process of recovery. With patience and time, progress can be made.
This article excerpted from the book Why Don’t They Just Quit?
Tags: AA, addict, addicted spouse, addicted teen, addiction, Al-Anon, alanon, alanon meeting, Alateen, alcoholic, alonon, Celebrate Recovery, changing lives foundation, Christian recovery, Family recovery, Herzanek, how to help an alcoholic, Joe Herzanek, just quit, quit drugs, recovery, siblings of alcoholics, Why Don't they Just Quit
Oprah On Rx Addiction
The talk show queen tackles the tough topic of prescription addiction, a problem that continues to grow in the U.S.
On her Sept. 29, 2009 show, talk show host Oprah Winfrey tackled the topic of painkiller abuse — with some help from Dr. Mehmet Oz.
According to Dr. Oz, 6 million Americans are now what he calls “pharmaceutical junkies,” addicted to prescription medications like Xanax, Valium, Vicodin and Percocet. Oz calls prescription addiction the most under-appreciated problem in America, saying, “It’s actually the most dangerous ailment sneaking up on us because we’re not paying attention.
A lot of folks think these drugs aren’t dangerous because they’re not street drugs and it’s true that what’s in the pill is really what’s in the pill — but there are millions of people who take these prescription medications not realizing they have just the same kind of addictive potential as street drugs would.
The show claimed that more than 50 million Americans have admitted trying prescription drugs for non-medical reasons. Why? Oprah and Oz think they have at last a partial answer: Americans really can’t handle pain. In today’s society, when we feel pain, we’re offered something to numb that pain instead of being taught how to deal with it. “We don’t do pain well,” Oz says, which is a problem because pain is a wakeup call to do something different.
So how do you know if you or someone you love has a problem with prescription medication? If you can’t go a single day without taking a painkiller –even if it’s a medication you’ve been legally prescribed by a doctor — you have a problem, Oz says.
For more info on Pain Meds
Tags: changing lives foundation, Dr. Oz, Oprah, Oprah Winfrey, Pain Meds, Painkiller Abuse, Painkillers, Prescription Addiction, Why Don't they Just Quit
ASK JOE
Dear Joe,
Dear Joe,
My 18-year-old daughter has had drug and alcohol problems off and on for the past four years, trying to deal with being molested and tensions in our marriage. This fall she did heavy drugs and narcotics as well as selling them at college. She came home after her first semester of college, in debt, flunking the majority of her classes, and unable to continue her education until she repays in full.
We are unable to afford paying and think it’s a good life lesson for her to be held accountable for this debt. She is living with her grandmother now after much tension at home. How can I trust and forgive her when she doesn’t feel sorry for hurting us after detox? She is frustrated that we seem to have cut her off. She wants support and credit for “supposedly” staying clean and working although she has refused any more treatment or support groups.
There is very little communication between us since she won’t respond to any texts or phone calls from my husband or me. The only time she does reply is when she wants something from the house. I feel rejected, betrayed, and distrustful with the way she treats her brother. She had become physically as well as verbally abusive with him the last fours years. It is tearing me up for our family to be like this.
All I do is pray and keep my distance, guarding my son and myself. How can I be supportive and forgiving when I am so hurt?
–Carrie H., Bend, OR
Dear Carrie,
Sorry you have to deal with so much from your young daughter. I’m not sure where to start but I’ll try to offer some advice that I pray is helpful.
You mentioned a sexual assault that occurred, I’m assuming about four years ago. This is a very big issue that, all by itself, requires lots of time (a few years or so) and wise counsel to work through. Many, many young girls and boys have this background and it is a major problem and instigator for substance abuse.
She is psychologically damaged but can, at some point, accept that it is part of her past and move on with her life. The wound can heal but the scar tissue will remain. Obviously she should receive lots of sympathy and empathy for this. It is imperative that she receives wise counsel from a professional. Help is out there but there are no quick solutions. The memory of this must be crushing to her. Again, drug use will ease the pain for a short period of time but the consequences of using them just creates one more thing to cope with. Seek professional help for this. It may take time and work to find the right person.
Next, you have the fact that she is an adolescent–which is a phase of life that has its own unique challenges. Her brain is “under construction” and she does not yet have the coping skills of an adult. So many questions that need answers are going through her head. Add the assault on top of that and you have a combination that will only get resolved with time and counseling.
Regardless of all the above, the drug and alcohol use must stop. Your challenge is to find the right combination of empathy and tough love to help her see the light. For now empathy should be on the top of the list. Her anger, outbursts, and even rage at times is her way of saying life’s not fair and why did this happen to me? (which has no clear answer). In reality, as an adult we all come to realize that life is not fair and we find ways to accept this sad fact of life. She is screaming for answers that are just not there.
For the family, it is important to accept that right now she is broken and needs to heal. She will not always be this way; she does not like being in all of this pain and will change back to her old self over time. There is a solution and she will eventually find it–but for now this is the way it is.
So what can a father, mother, or sibling do to help? As hard as it may be–you must not react to her angry hateful attitude. By that I mean you should think–and then act. Think more long-term; tell yourselves “this to shall pass.” She is young–too young to be handling all she has on her plate. The future will be better. Work on your own self-talk. Get counseling for the family as you wait for the process to work itself out.
She needs to be in some type of support group for her (supposed “past”) drug use.
She would benefit greatly from a mentor–another young woman who is a bit older who could come alongside her and just be a friend–someone who listens without judging and in a way, holds her hand while she walks through the dark valley she is in. This too may require much effort to find the right person, but the payoff could be huge. This must be another female. The 12-step program talks about getting a sponsor and this mentor could be in the program but in my opinion does not have to be. I believe the “right” person is out there. Just start the search.
Your daughter is struggling with PTSD. She went through an extremely horrific event that will be with her for some time (most likely, forever). The substance use is her way of coping with memories/flashbacks of the assault. You can’t tell someone like this to just “get over it.” Talking with a trained counselor over several sessions is a must. Each session will hopefully drain more poison out of her wound. Eventually she can get to the place where she’s worked through it enough that she can mentally move on. Many young women have lived through the same sort of thing, their wounds have healed and they were able to reach a point where they could trust again.
Finally, and I have no idea where you or your family are spiritually, but prayer is anther powerful resource to take advantage of. Some churches have youth group leaders who might be able to help find a mentor as well.
You really can get past this time in your family’s life and come out stronger on the other side. As far as being supportive and forgiving when you are so hurt–just remember that as long as you are supporting anything positive regarding her recovery, it should be fairly easy. Of course, you aren’t going to support anything that hinders her recovery. Forgiveness and trust may take time, but just take it one day at a time. Never give up hope!
I’ll keep you in my prayers.
Best regards,
Joe
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*Disclaimer: The information provided in this email is for educational purposes only. The views expressed herein are those of the author only. Knowing that each person’s situation is different it is very important that you meet with/consult a professional in this field before acting on any perceived advice given.
July 30, 2009 by jherzanek |
We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol
and that our lives had become unmanageable.
–Step One, AA 12-Steps
After many years in recovery,
I know that I must not forget
this one principle–I will
always be an addict.
–Joe Herzanek
Whether you are a fan of twelve-step programs or not, the first step an attendee will hear offers a great deal of wisdom. The alcoholic/addict should never venture into the world without remembering the important bit of knowledge that Step One provides: Chemically dependent people will not ever be able to gain control over their substance use. Millions
of addicted people have tried, and many have even died trying. Not one person has ever successfully returned to social use.
Admitting Powerlessness
After many years in recovery, I know that I must not forget this one principle–I will always be an addict. Confusion on this matter can lead to disastrous results. My substance use took me places I didn’t want to go, cost me more than I wanted to pay and kept me longer than I wanted to stay. My addiction is now in remission. Just the same, it is alive and well–ready to inflict a lot of pain on me. To forget this would be my greatest mistake.
I have a friend who owns a treatment center in the Colorado Rocky Mountains called Jaywalker Lodge. He accepts only men who are highly motivated to change. The program is a four-month-minimum-stay facility, cash only, no insurance. The entire focus is on Step One. It’s for men who have made several attempts to quit, only to find themselves stumbling again and again. Frustrated and broken, they arrive at the treatment center willing to do whatever it takes to regain their sobriety. This facility teaches men that the key to recovery starts with a true admission of powerlessness.
Once a recovering addict is convinced of their inability to ever control their using, they will no longer attempt to do so if they want to maintain their recovery. Incorporating Step One into a person’s life requires a daily ongoing shift in thinking–sometimes referred to as “one day at a time.” Lifelong recovery obviously involves much more than this one crucial admission. Recovery and rebuilding what was lost takes substantial time and effort. But it will all be in vain if this one fundamental principle is forgotten.
A Humbling Realization
Once the power or ability to control how much a person can use is lost, it is lost forever. Any attempt to regain control is futile. This applies to the user who is brand new to recovery as well as to someone with over two decades of abstinence. No one is tougher than addiction, and it’s one wound that time cannot heal. You, as a person close to the situation, should understand this fundamental step as a foundational principle.
It’s a humbling realization.
This article is excerpted from the book “Why Don’t They Just Quit?“
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Tags: 12-Steps, AA, addict, addicted spouse, addicted teen, addiction, Al-Anon, alanon, alanon meeting, alcoholic, Celebrate Recovery, changing lives foundation, Christian recovery, Herzanek, Joe Herzanek, just quit, quit drugs, recovery, Step One, Why Don't they Just Quit
Detachment. How Can I? 
