This short article explains one of the most important (and one of our favorite) concepts. Dr. James Fay (Love and Logic) illustrates the simple approach–of showing empathy while remaining strong.
EMPATHY!
Consequences delivered with empathy create responsibility.
Consequences delivered without empathy create resentment.
So we have a choice: Will we raise responsible kids…or resentful ones?
Will we end up in a nice nursing home or a nasty one?
Understanding why empathy is the most important skill is simple. Empathy preserves the relationship and makes it very hard for our kids to blame us for their poor decisions.
Really using sincere empathy…on a consistent basis…is the hard part!
We’ve spent over two decades studying people who’ve been successful with this. What do they have in common? They use just one empathetic statement…regardless of what consequence they must provide.
That’s right. They keep it simple!
They also pick one that fits their personality and culture. Some folks always precede consequences with, “That is so sad.” Others prefer, “Oh, man…”
Some parents say, “What a bummer.” Others prefer, “Bless your heart.”
Tape this note on your bathroom mirror as a reminder.
Thanks for reading!
Dr. Charles Fay
Originally Published 7/15/09
Your Local Mission Dollars at Work Joe Herzanek founder of Changing Lives Foundation
by Russ Teets
Editor’s note: This is the fourth in a series of articles describing the people and agencies in and around Boulder that First Pres supports through Local Missions.
First Pres’ relationship with Joe Herzanek started in 1999 when Local Missions began supporting him as the Chaplain at the Boulder County Jail. In that role, Joe leads Bible studies, Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Narcotics Anonymous (NA) meetings in the jail, provides Bibles, conducts one-on-one Christian Studies and substance abuse counseling—along with coordinating all religious volunteer activities.
In his role as Addictions Counselor at the jail, Joe spends time counseling inmates and advising their family members and others in the community on effective ways to negotiate the often complex “world of addiction and recovery.” Approximately 90% of all inmates have an alcohol or drug problem. He often gets calls from family members asking for advice on what they can do to help the person quit.
Joe’s personal struggles earlier in life were preparation for working with offenders who also have addiction problems. From age 13 to 29, Joe battled his own drug and alcohol problem—finally receiving treatment. He now has over 30 years of abstinence from substances. Joe has a real passion for helping people caught up in substance abuse and also their family and friends. He is the founder of Changing Lives Foundation and author of the book Why Don’t They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery which won the Best Self-Help Book award in 2008.
Changing Lives Foundation is committed to bringing to the public clear and concise information on substance abuse, drug addiction, alcoholism and compulsive behaviors. Perhaps more importantly, they focus on how individuals and families recover from these problems. Although it is very challenging, many people recover and make dramatic changes in their lives.
In addition to the book Why Don’t They Just Quit? Joe has a number of other resources to help families:
• a DVD titled The 10 Toughest Questions, which seem to come up again and again during the counseling he does. These include such topics as: “How can I tell if a person is addicted or just a heavy user? How do I confront this person? How do I handle adolescent use and abuse? How do I show my love without enabling? How do I get my life back?”
• a wealth of resources on the website www.ChangingLivesFoundation.org
• seminars for the public, like the one he held at First Pres last April.
• radio shows
• family counseling.
Joe specializes in “crisis counseling” for those situations that seem hopeless or impossible. He’s especially gifted at helping families find their way “out” and partnering with them to formulate a plan. This counseling can be in person or by phone.
Joe is a quiet, calm man with a deep faith in Jesus Christ—important attributes for dealing with crisis situations. According to Keith Vandergrift, Missions Pastor at First Pres: “Joe strikes a fine balance—demonstrating religious values in his approach to recovery, but avoiding a preachy or pushy posture. He makes it clear he is a Christian, but speaks in a way that is comfortable to anyone who wants to learn more about how to help others in their struggle. That’s not an easy thing to do and Joe pulls it off as well as anyone I’ve seen.”
Joe’s wife Judy works behind the scenes. As the Director of Creative Development and Marketing for Changing Lives Foundation she manages all communications, graphic design, marketing, customer service, order fulfillment and creative implementation of content for printed and online resources, publicity and presentations.
Joe and Judy have three children—and are fairly new “empty-nesters.” They enjoy living in Colorado, playing with their two Cairn Terriers Lewis and Clark (yes, just like Toto), camping, and most of all—hiking above treeline in the beautiful Rocky Mountains.
For more information on recovery or for Crisis Counseling see the Changing Lives website, contact Joe at 303.775.6493 or email: jherzanek@gmail.com.
CLICK HERE to view a wonderful video of all the missions First Pres supports.
The two-hour workshop was very well attended (standing room only, with over 140 attendees). Joe and a volunteer did some role playing, there was plenty of good food, interaction, laughter and applause . . . and we had an emotional ending (see below).
For details on sponsoring a workshop at your
church or organization
email us at: jherzanek@gmail.com
or
call Joe at (303)775.6493
Learn the truth to this often misunderstood notion that some people “just can’t quit.” Author/Addiction Counselor Joe Herzanek answers this and much more in the book “Why Don’t They Just Quit?”
“Years ago I kept praying for a great big house, and a fishing lake. In 1991 God gave me a 3 story recovery house in the Ghetto, with a lake where they sometimes found dumped bodies from the night before.. SOBRIETY IS A HOOT…. AND THAT’S THE TRUTH…”
Your situation may be unique, but it’s not hopeless.
We specialize in those tough, crisis “seemingly impossible” situations.
There IS a solution. Together we can formulate a plan to restore sanity to your life — saving you and your family time, money, stress and unnecessary heartache. Personalized consultations
with author/addiction counselor Joe Herzanek.
Specialized to your unique situation. (in person or by phone) Call: (303) 775.6493
or Email: jherzanek@gmail.com
to learn more about a personal consultation
with Author/Addiction Professional Joe Herzanek, CAP
Providing families in need
with over 30 years of real-life,
hands-on experience and success.
Do you long to sleep through the night? Do you wonder if you are doing the “right thing”? Do you wish you could make them stop their addiction? Does your life seem out of control? Have you had enough drama to last a lifetime?
Your situation may be unique, but it’s not hopeless.
We specialize in those tough, crisis “seemingly impossible” situations.
There IS a solution. Together we can formulate a plan to restore sanity to your life — saving you and your family time, money, stress and unnecessary heartache.
Personalized consultations
with author/addiction counselor Joe Herzanek.
Specialized to your unique situation. (in person or by phone) Call: (303) 775.6493
or Email: jherzanek@gmail.com
to learn more about a personal consultation
with Author/Addiction Professional Joe Herzanek, CAP Read more
We understand there are times when life seems so out of control and hopeless–you just can’t bring yourself to sit down and find answers from a book or DVD.
In order to effectively come alongside and partner with you to make changes you can live with, we offer one-on-one consulting. While most of Joe’s consulting is done over the phone, he also provides on-site consulting services.
You and your family will work with Joe to formulate a plan which will begin to restore sanity to your life–saving time, money, stress and unnecessary heartache.
Begin taking the steps your family needs to end the chaos and receive specific guidance for your unique circumstances.
Joe will walk you through the steps you need to take, giving you knowledge, support and confidence to “do what needs to be done – every step of the way.” You can get through this.
Gain peace of mind, knowing that you are taking the steps necessary to begin healing and recovery–for your loved-one and your family.
Call: (303) 775.6493
or Email: jherzanek@gmail.com
to learn more about personal consultation
with Author/Addiction Professional Joe Herzanek, CAP
One day at a time – this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone. . .
–Ida Scott Taylor
It’s not always easy to understand that the day stretching before us is all that counts. Daydreaming about the party last week, or getting upset all over again about a fight we had yesterday with a friend doesn’t help us right now. When our minds are on the past, we miss out on the conversation or the activity that is going on around us.
Every moment of the day is special and guaranteed to help us grow and understand life. All of us have been taught to pay attention in school or when others talk to us. But we should also pay attention to the birds, the sky, even the grass. And we can learn a lot by paying attention to the conversations going on around us and to the small voice inside us that helps us know right from wrong.
What’s going on today is enough to pay attention to.
My friend Joe Herzanek wrote a terrific book, “Why Don’t They Just Quit” which is a fitting title because that’s the question people always ask. If somebody drinks, why don’t they just quit? The short answer is simply that’s it’s not that easy. Just because they do quit doesn’t mean they’re not a drunk.
Before you get all riled up and offended understand one important point—just because somebody isn’t using doesn’t mean they are not an addict. People who abstain from using alcohol for long periods of time, people who have been diagnosed as being alcoholics, may be dry, but they are still alcoholics. All of the pieces are in place for their lives to go out of control; it’s just that the triggering element, alcohol, is missing. That is why Alcoholics Anonymous strongly advocates for abstinence. Even people who have been in recovery for years understand that all it takes is alcohol for them to be right back on a destructive path.
Over the years I have known many people who have gone through the criminal justice system and served time for DUI. The police arrest them, the judge convicts them and they spend time behind bars. However, while in jail they do not receive treatment. Yes, they are dry, but that only lasts while they are physically prevented from getting a drink. They are still addicts, but they just aren’t using the drug alcohol at the time. Jason comes to mind. He was serving after being convicted yet again of DUI, but like his first time, he was receiving no treatment. There was a program, but a waiting list to get into it was a mile long. Jason got an early release and never did get into treatment. He was a dry drunk. The first opportunity that came along was all he needed to get a snoot full.
Recovery programs are not just limited to going to meetings and not drinking. They are about the rebuilding of one’s life and learning new skills and habits. People who have honestly and openly journeyed through the 12 Step process understand that recovery is about a return to wholeness. People are transformed from drunks, to dry drunks, to recovering drunks. I do not use the term drunks in the pejorative, but instead use it intentionally to illustrate an important point. No matter the addiction, no matter the human condition, just because one is not directly engaged in an activity does not exempt them from potential danger. What is needed to prevent relapse is a change of lifestyle and a commitment to healthy activity.
It wasn’t long after Jason was released that he was in trouble with the law for another DUI. This time the judge wasn’t at all understanding and the sentence was for four years or so. He was back on the waiting list for treatment, but with more time, he finally got in. He was given the opportunity to go from dry drunk to “recovering.” As he learned new ways of dealing with his life, with his cravings and with his out of control lifestyle, he began to realize that, like millions of others, he was in need of help and could get into recovery with the right kind of support and guidance.
It was a major turning point for him. He was not longer the “victim” of the criminal justice system, but a grateful recipient of treatment for his illness. Unlike others who were going through a prison 12 Step program to earn brownie points with the parole board, Jason was earnestly and actively working the program for its long-term benefits. He wasn’t merely going through the motions. When he was released, he continued his recovery program on the outside, this time with a new sense of purpose and direction. He was no longer a dry drunk.
Abstinence is good, but abstinence along does not get the alcoholic out of the woods. You can lock them up and deny them alcohol, but they are still drunks. Treatment and the right kind of support program is what makes the difference. Jason knows that difference.
While he was still a long way off,
his father saw him coming.
Filled with compassion
the father ran to the son,
threw his arms around him and said,
“Welcome home.”
His son had come to his senses.
Let’s have a party!
His brother refused to come to the party
even after his father pleaded with him
to join them.
“I’ve stayed here all these years
and never caused a problem.
No one ever had a party for me,”
said the brother. –paraphrased from the Gospel of Luke
Siblings often find themselves caught in the middle of the recovery process. In the story of the prodigal son, a father waits and watches expectantly for the return of his wayward child. The boy left home and not only squandered his inheritance, but also wasted a big chunk of his life. But there is so much more to the story. As we take a closer look at the entire family, we see that “the rest of the story” can apply to families and siblings today who are struggling with the early stages of recovery.
I know from firsthand experience how siblings can suffer. During my addiction, I was blind to how my actions were affecting my brother and two sisters. Actually, the entire family did not understand what was happening. Even now, more than thirty years later, some members of my family remain bitter, and we have never been able to resolve those hard feelings.
There is only so much time in any given day and when there is one high-maintenance family member, often the other children are neglected. Parents have a limited amount of energy for each day, and then they reach a point of exhaustion. In my case, which again is not unique, I received more than my share of attention. I, like many other addicts, was a very needy person. My life was one crisis after another. There were many occasions when I needed money. I drained my parents of their finances as well as their time and energy. Who suffered? At the time, it was far from obvious, but as I look back it is clear that my brother and sisters–basically good, low-maintenance kids were the innocent victims.
Mom and Dad spent a lot of their parenting energy either helping me with a problem or worried about what I might do next; they were even afraid to answer the phone. They couldn’t be in two places at once, physically or mentally. As a result, my siblings did not receive nearly the amount of attention they deserved. My parents missed their school programs and sports games because of my problems, and holidays were often ruined. Much of the focus was on Joe, and I was messing up my life while my brother and sisters were left striving to do the right thing and gain my parents’ approval and attention.
To make matters worse, my parents’ attention continued to be focused on me for a long time into my recovery. My siblings had to hear over and over, Isn’t it great that Joe’s quit using drugs? How wonderful that Joe is clean and sober. Joe has been drug-free for a year now “let’s celebrate!” These sort of comments continued, even after everything should have been back to normal. Talk about rubbing psychological salt in a wound; my brother and sisters must have been ready to puke. At that time, none of us had a clue how this would ultimately affect our future relationships.
Insidious: working or spreading harmfully in a subtle or stealthy manner. awaiting a chance to entrap; treacherous. harmful but enticing. Developing so gradually as to be well established before becoming apparent. (Webster’s Dictionary)
It was only after years of recovery and study on this topic that this realization came to me. Because of this disease’s slow progression, few families are aware of the effect addiction has on the family as a whole. Few addicts think of making amends toward those who did not appear to be directly affected.
When I entered treatment many years ago, there was not much emphasis placed on the importance of family in the recovery process. Today, this is a key component in most treatment programs. Parents and siblings are strongly encouraged to be part of the process. Some centers will even offer what is called Family Week. This is a time for those who have been negatively affected to become involved in the recovery process. Many times family members will refuse to get involved: “He/she had the problem, not me. And now you are asking me to get counseling? You must be crazy.” Nonetheless, I strongly suggest that family members attend some meetings–if for no other reason than to vent frustration. It will be worth it.
Addiction is treacherous for the whole family. Over time, relationships can become a tangled web. Feelings get hurt and bitterness creeps in, almost unnoticed. Strife begins to build, and after a while no one remembers why. But life is too short to waste years like this. Miracles can happen when a professional helps untangle the mess.
Time has yet to heal some of the wounds in my family. The impact of my addiction and recovery has left deep scars, and damaged relationships among my immediate family that we are still attempting to understand and mend. Despite our attempts to keep things simple, life can sometimes become very complicated. Over the years, my siblings have married. Bitterness and unresolved strife have colored relationships not only among my siblings, but among our spouses and children as well. Recovery and the process of making amends to those who were hurt takes a while. Sometimes these differences may never be resolved.
Quitting, as wonderful as that may be, is not the same as recovering. Recovery means taking responsibility for the broken relationships that occurred when the addict was using. Repairing broken relationships is critical to the process of recovery. With patience and time, progress can be made.
My 18-year-old daughter has had drug and alcohol problems off and on for the past four years, trying to deal with being molested and tensions in our marriage. This fall she did heavy drugs and narcotics as well as selling them at college. She came home after her first semester of college, in debt, flunking the majority of her classes, and unable to continue her education until she repays in full.
We are unable to afford paying and think it’s a good life lesson for her to be held accountable for this debt. She is living with her grandmother now after much tension at home. How can I trust and forgive her when she doesn’t feel sorry for hurting us after detox? She is frustrated that we seem to have cut her off. She wants support and credit for “supposedly” staying clean and working although she has refused any more treatment or support groups.
There is very little communication between us since she won’t respond to any texts or phone calls from my husband or me. The only time she does reply is when she wants something from the house. I feel rejected, betrayed, and distrustful with the way she treats her brother. She had become physically as well as verbally abusive with him the last fours years. It is tearing me up for our family to be like this.
All I do is pray and keep my distance, guarding my son and myself. How can I be supportive and forgiving when I am so hurt?
–Carrie H., Bend, OR
Dear Carrie,
Sorry you have to deal with so much from your young daughter. I’m not sure where to start but I’ll try to offer some advice that I pray is helpful.
You mentioned a sexual assault that occurred, I’m assuming about four years ago. This is a very big issue that, all by itself, requires lots of time (a few years or so) and wise counsel to work through. Many, many young girls and boys have this background and it is a major problem and instigator for substance abuse.
She is psychologically damaged but can, at some point, accept that it is part of her past and move on with her life. The wound can heal but the scar tissue will remain. Obviously she should receive lots of sympathy and empathy for this. It is imperative that she receives wise counsel from a professional. Help is out there but there are no quick solutions. The memory of this must be crushing to her. Again, drug use will ease the pain for a short period of time but the consequences of using them just creates one more thing to cope with. Seek professional help for this. It may take time and work to find the right person.
Next, you have the fact that she is an adolescent–which is a phase of life that has its own unique challenges. Her brain is “under construction” and she does not yet have the coping skills of an adult. So many questions that need answers are going through her head. Add the assault on top of that and you have a combination that will only get resolved with time and counseling.
Regardless of all the above, the drug and alcohol use must stop. Your challenge is to find the right combination of empathy and tough love to help her see the light. For now empathy should be on the top of the list. Her anger, outbursts, and even rage at times is her way of saying life’s not fair and why did this happen to me? (which has no clear answer). In reality, as an adult we all come to realize that life is not fair and we find ways to accept this sad fact of life. She is screaming for answers that are just not there.
For the family, it is important to accept that right now she is broken and needs to heal. She will not always be this way; she does not like being in all of this pain and will change back to her old self over time. There is a solution and she will eventually find it–but for now this is the way it is.
So what can a father, mother, or sibling do to help? As hard as it may be–you must not react to her angry hateful attitude. By that I mean you should think–and then act. Think more long-term; tell yourselves “this to shall pass.” She is young–too young to be handling all she has on her plate. The future will be better. Work on your own self-talk. Get counseling for the family as you wait for the process to work itself out.
She needs to be in some type of support group for her (supposed “past”) drug use.
She would benefit greatly from a mentor–another young woman who is a bit older who could come alongside her and just be a friend–someone who listens without judging and in a way, holds her hand while she walks through the dark valley she is in. This too may require much effort to find the right person, but the payoff could be huge. This must be another female. The 12-step program talks about getting a sponsor and this mentor could be in the program but in my opinion does not have to be. I believe the “right” person is out there. Just start the search.
Your daughter is struggling with PTSD. She went through an extremely horrific event that will be with her for some time (most likely, forever). The substance use is her way of coping with memories/flashbacks of the assault. You can’t tell someone like this to just “get over it.” Talking with a trained counselor over several sessions is a must. Each session will hopefully drain more poison out of her wound. Eventually she can get to the place where she’s worked through it enough that she can mentally move on. Many young women have lived through the same sort of thing, their wounds have healed and they were able to reach a point where they could trust again.
Finally, and I have no idea where you or your family are spiritually, but prayer is anther powerful resource to take advantage of. Some churches have youth group leaders who might be able to help find a mentor as well.
You really can get past this time in your family’s life and come out stronger on the other side. As far as being supportive and forgiving when you are so hurt–just remember that as long as you are supporting anything positive regarding her recovery, it should be fairly easy. Of course, you aren’t going to support anything that hinders her recovery. Forgiveness and trust may take time, but just take it one day at a time. Never give up hope!
*Disclaimer: The information provided in this email is for educational purposes only. The views expressed herein are those of the author only. Knowing that each person’s situation is different it is very important that you meet with/consult a professional in this field before acting on any perceived advice given.
We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol
and that our lives had become unmanageable.
–Step One, AA 12-Steps
After many years in recovery,
I know that I must not forget
this one principle–I will
always be an addict.
–Joe Herzanek
Whether you are a fan of twelve-step programs or not, the first step an attendee will hear offers a great deal of wisdom. The alcoholic/addict should never venture into the world without remembering the important bit of knowledge that Step One provides: Chemically dependent people will not ever be able to gain control over their substance use. Millions
of addicted people have tried, and many have even died trying. Not one person has ever successfully returned to social use.
Admitting Powerlessness
After many years in recovery, I know that I must not forget this one principle–I will always be an addict. Confusion on this matter can lead to disastrous results. My substance use took me places I didn’t want to go, cost me more than I wanted to pay and kept me longer than I wanted to stay. My addiction is now in remission. Just the same, it is alive and well–ready to inflict a lot of pain on me. To forget this would be my greatest mistake.
I have a friend who owns a treatment center in the Colorado Rocky Mountains called Jaywalker Lodge. He accepts only men who are highly motivated to change. The program is a four-month-minimum-stay facility, cash only, no insurance. The entire focus is on Step One. It’s for men who have made several attempts to quit, only to find themselves stumbling again and again. Frustrated and broken, they arrive at the treatment center willing to do whatever it takes to regain their sobriety. This facility teaches men that the key to recovery starts with a true admission of powerlessness.
Once a recovering addict is convinced of their inability to ever control their using, they will no longer attempt to do so if they want to maintain their recovery. Incorporating Step One into a person’s life requires a daily ongoing shift in thinking–sometimes referred to as “one day at a time.” Lifelong recovery obviously involves much more than this one crucial admission. Recovery and rebuilding what was lost takes substantial time and effort. But it will all be in vain if this one fundamental principle is forgotten.
A Humbling Realization Once the power or ability to control how much a person can use is lost, it is lost forever. Any attempt to regain control is futile. This applies to the user who is brand new to recovery as well as to someone with over two decades of abstinence. No one is tougher than addiction, and it’s one wound that time cannot heal. You, as a person close to the situation, should understand this fundamental step as a foundational principle.
What Role Does God Play in the Life of an Alcoholic?
Joe Herzanek(author/”Why Don’t They JUST QUIT?”) interviews shoppers on the Pearl St. Mall (Boulder, CO) and asks the question “What role does God play in the life of an alcoholic? ”
What Special Challenges Might Women Face in Recovery?
Joe Herzanek (author/”Why Don’t They JUST QUIT?”) interviews shoppers on the Pearl St. Mall (Boulder, CO) and asks the question “What Special Challenges Might Women Face in Recovery?”
Joe Herzanek (author/”Why Don’t They JUST QUIT?”) interviews shoppers on the Pearl St. Mall (Boulder, CO) and asks the question “How do you become chemically dependent?”
Joe Herzanek (author/”Why Don’t They JUST QUIT?”) interviews shoppers on the Pearl St. Mall (Boulder, CO) and asks the question “Why Don’t They Just Quit?”
©2009 Jim Fay, Charles Fay, Ph.D., and Love and Logic® Institute. All copyright infringement laws apply. Permission granted for photocopy reproduction and forwarding. Please do not alter or modify contents. For more information, call the Love and Logic® Institute, Inc. at (800) 338-4065 or www.loveandlogic.com 
