tough love

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They all come in asking “Why don’t they just quit?”

January 21, 2010 in Feedback from You by jherzanek | No comments

A recent comment from LA counselor Deborah Taft Webb (used with permission)

I have both the book and DVD (Why Don’t They Just Quit?) and use them with patients. They are great.

In my last 20 years of counseling and program directing, I have learned that working with the family is a MUST. In fact, they are more at risk to die from their loved ones illness than their addict.

Stress symptoms caused by co-dependency—strokes, heart attacks, cancers, etc. . . are more severe than the addicts disease in a lot of cases. Also, co-dependents loose the joy of living a life of serenity and if not helped, will have consequences in every aspect of their lives.

And of course, they don’t know what to do when their addict gets well. In every program I have developed, the family (with adults) and the parents (with the adolescents) spend almost as much time at the facility as the addicts.

It is a family disease. And they all come in asking “Why don’t they just quit?”

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Ask Joe:

My 50-year-old daughter will not admit she is drinking. She has lost her job, her drivers license–and her husband will soon be getting a divorce (he drinks). He is afraid he will lose his half of the house so he hasn’t left, and he does drive her places.

Your book has been a godsend. I have a guideline. I no longer say hurtful things to her. My problem is I cannot be honest with her or she hangs up the phone on me. She goes to AA meetings, comes home and gets drunk. She then calls me and I just don’t know how to deal with her and be honest. Please help me.
–Angela B.

Dear Angela,
What a sad story. There is not a lot that you can do, especially considering her age. If she is difficult to talk to, you may try writing her a letter (you could share your concerns and frustration and not have someone shouting at you while your doing it).

The good news is that it’s not too late. She can quit and begin a new life if she wants to badly enough.

If it were me I would let her know, in no uncertain terms, that you have had all you can take. I would tell her that you do not want to see her or talk to her again until she has at least 60 days of complete sobriety. If she is going to AA she knows what to do and there is plenty of help available to her from the other members.

You do not deserve to be going through the hell that she is putting you through. She is not a teenager she is FIFTY YEARS OLD.

Detachment and a firm dose of tough love are her only hope. You can do this.

If not now–when? How much more time do you (and she) want to waste?

Grace and peace,
–Joe

January 11, 2010 by jherzanek | 1 comment

Is it a good idea for my teen to drink at home under my supervision?
No.

Some parents have come to believe that their teen is better off drinking or even smoking pot at home rather then out driving around with friends. Some parents think that it is really cool to throw a graduation party with booze for their underage child and all their friends—complete with an off-duty police guard who will take their car keys and not give them back till the next morning.

This is a bad idea—and not just for legal issues. The message that it sends to an adolescent is, I believe you have no self-control; you’re going to use drugs no matter what, so use them at home where you’ll be safe. Adolescent brains are still under construction and substance use at an early age is not good for the brain. Even though your teen may experiment anyway, it is important to not condone such behavior. No matter what teens may say or even think—they do not need their parents to be their friends, nor should they expect parents to be their rescuers. They need strong parental guidance.

Someone has to be the adult in the relationship.
http://www.whydonttheyjustquit.com/
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May 2, 2009 by jherzanek | No comments